To take time to write is to take time to grieve. Sure, it isn’t as often I find myself losing my breath missing my boy, but it sure does happen and enough that I am never far from remembering the gaping hole our family has.
This past Christmas, I found myself spending money we didn’t have, on things that brought me a quick fix of healing. It felt that way, at least. I came home from the store with these books cut into letters for each one of my children. A ‘C’, ‘E’, ‘Z’, and a ‘B’. I went ahead and got big and small sized letters for each child. Why not? They were buy 2 get one free! I piled my arms with letters and kept searching for the next letter I needed- I wouldn’t give up. I would find all 4. And I did.
I took them up to the register, feeling a sense of peace paired with a sense of, “Oh, he’ll understand.”
That same week, I had spent more money we didn’t have on stockings that were on clearance. I rarely spend money on extra things like I did that week, but again, it was a sense of healing I just had to have. I had a local momma-friend embroider them to have all of our names put on- the boys’ had green stockings and the girls’ red and all were embroidered in cream. Perfect. Sweet.
When I finally had the talk with Andy, on why I found it so necessary to purchase all of this without A. asking him or B. caring about a budget, I got a sense for what was really going on.
I was actively grieving and I needed to address it. I needed to see my babies all nestled in one space so to see what is truest. Sure, one wasn’t here with us, but Zekey is alive and because of Jesus, we will all be together again and in some ways, now, we have a beautiful, mysterious connection that is hard to explain, but I feel it and know it so strongly at times. What a gift.
So why so hard to get some pictures on the wall? Well, we have lived in 4 different homes in 4 years. 4 really hard years. The first move, in 2013 started when we left our sweet cape cod in Westerville (a friend just texted me today that her cousin lives there now!…blessed my heart so so much!) due to Zekey’s new found, devastating diagnosis and moved in with our in-laws in Toledo. After Zekey met Jesus, we waited to see if God would take us back to Westerville but no opened doors. So we bought a home there and a month later, we got a call to move back and plant a church!
Now, we are back in Westerville, in a new neighborhood with neighbors turned friends and feeling so grateful for our church body. How blessed we are.
Now, all this moving made it hard for my heart to settle. No pictures on the walls until now. This past Christmas, I became overwhelmed to see my family all together. The brokenness of the world tore us a part for a time, but I wouldn’t let that be an excuse to not hang up pictures.
So all in one week, I bought frames and stockings and books cut out into letters and I shut out the lies and fears that said, “What will people think when they see my Zekey up there with the rest of them?” or “How will I cope when I change out the others and Zekey’s stays the same every year?” or “This hurts too much, I should just keep the wall bare.”
It really does hurt too much, but Zekey’s precious life and it being taken from us isn’t something we take lightly. We talk of our Hope because we miss him so much and couldn’t bare take another breadth without knowing that we will see him again. I couldn’t do this life without that Hope.
“Let my song join the one that never ends.”
A wall we considered tearing down is now a wall I look to and remember the joy of a life we were blessed to know and love and the sorrow of loss but the bright Hope of forever.
This Hope is just one of the many facets of what we get when we walk into the family of Jesus. When we make Him the king of our hearts. His strength becomes our strength. His love becomes our love. His joy becomes our joy. His redemption song becomes our redemption song. His life after death, becomes our life after death.
God is best for us, each of us. He is out for our good and He is all good. I am so in love with this God, this one true God and I can’t stop sharing about Him.
Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives, all fear is gone.
Because I know, He holds the future.
And life is worth the living
Just because He lives.”