There’s no way around it. The day is coming near. Around this time last year, we were pleading with God to take our Zekey Home- to bring His Zekey back Home. Too many seizures. Too much suffering. Too many meds. We wanted our boy released from the hell he’d faced (for longer than we had even known, at one point).
I sit here in silence, Bexley sleeping and Cyrus and Eisley, soon to be getting on the bus to come home, my heart wanders. My sweet children have gone through so much. They are warriors for God’s kingdom and I look at them with awe and I am amazed at the words that come out of their mouths. I learn from them- they are fresher from heaven than I. Oh, that faith like a child.
My sweet heavenly Father. So quick to love me even in my messy heart. My grieving heart. My heart longing for Home as I figure this life again, after losing such a boy. He is so forgiving and gentle. I am amazed at His patience with me and I’m simply thankful for it. I look around, how do I go on? How do I keep doing all that things life demands all while learning to live without all of my babies. And when I cross off another day on the calendar, 362 since Zekey went Home, I have done this only because of Christ in me- that is all I’ve got to give worth mentioning.
God is full of understanding as I continue to mother the gifts I still have here. His presence so peaceful, knowing He knows my tears.
I talk to Him often- I ask if Zekey remembers anything, me, his father and siblings. I don’t want him to remember anything but our love for him. We didn’t love him perfectly, but we loved him fiercely and we sure miss him terribly. I wonder, could he know this while being in Heaven? Can he know without feeling sad for us? Is he telling God, “Oh, they will be here soon enough! They will see how good it is. We will all be together again!”
I get these signs that remind me of him. Often, it’s 1119 (Zekey’s birthday is 11/19) in the strangest places. I shrug it off saying, “Oh, you’re just extra sensitive” but then it happens again and I explode with, “Oh, God. I miss him! Please tell him I love him!” and I am reminded that Zekey’s story isn’t over. Christ through him is still moving mountains.
Bexley said to me, while looking to the sky “Mom! I can’t see him! I want to talk to Zekey!”
All I know to say is, “Baby, who is Zekey with?”
Me, “Who do we pray to?”
Bexley, “Jesus and God.”
Me, “Then tell them what you want to say to Zekey. I bet God will tell him!”
This is the thing I struggle with. I don’t want to put my boy above the One who is giving him life after death. The One who made our reunion someday possible. My conversation with Bexley was so refreshing knowing I wasn’t alone, if even with my 3 year old.
I don’t want Zekey here. I love that he is in such perfect peace with the most perfect love. Why would I want to take him from that? But, I long for the day of Christ’s return- to set things right again. I long for a Holy reunion like no other.
Until then, I want to keep dreaming and sharing our story of redemption through and through. I want to allow our life to show the vastness of the gift at The Cross. I want to keep speaking and moving forward- to allow my old ways to fall to the wayside and feel and see how God is making all things new. I’m thankful for these opportunities, and I’m humbled by them.
I write and speak to fight for redemption, not just in me, but in you. I know our stories are powerful and bring healing to many. I also know, Zekey was strong and his life taught me so much and I want to, however it play out, for his life to live through mine.