I miss him. I’m so grateful that God remembers and knows that even when I get busy, when I live life normally, when the world forgets, He knows the ache I carry. God knows my ache before I say it out loud or write it in a blog. God knows when I force it in the back of my mind so to do the mundane tasks of the day. He is like no other. He knows when I grab another cookie, or I buy an expensive coffee, or I get angry too easily, when I avoid another responsibility because I’m simply overwhelmed with all of it. When the world is quick to judge or isn’t handing out grace so freely, He never lets me down.
There’s a scar, a limp I live with knowing the only One I can really trust is Him and yet, this is exactly how it is meant to be- this IS His will for us. My flesh begs for the tangible, the humanness of a back and forth conversation, a real embrace, but I cannot find it in anyone else and how dare I put those needs, only to be fulfilled by God Himself, on a mere mortal. It’s a gift i must remember. He is enough.
I have wonderful friends and people in my life, some simply through social media, who carry our burden through prayers, and reminding me that I’m on their heart. There are people gifted with sympathy for others’ hurts. I feel the love, I truly do. Our family feels lifted up and we’re forever grateful. But in the end, it is only He who carries my ache. It’s only Him who gives me a reason to keep going.
My husband knows my grief- he is living it. He has lost the same boy. How strangely beautiful to be as one flesh with him as we share an ache together, living with the same Hope, to know God in a way that is different than those who have not suffered so greatly. It’s a gift I wouldn’t have asked for, but this broken world brought the opportunity for God’s perfect love, sacrifice and faithfulness to nestle a place in our hearts. This knowledge of God that goes beyond words or theology, doesn’t come freely nor does it come easily, but I am thankful for it.
I’m learning the hard way, that not all will understand that just because something is, doesn’t make it from God- it doesn’t make it His will. It’s as if the brokenness of the world, our sin, The Fall of man isn’t enough of a reason for hard times, suffering and loss to come upon us. As if God has to go out of His way to bring hard times so that we would know Him more. But I know this: our sin is great enough, The Fall was earth-shattering enough, the evil that has grown from it is more than enough to bring us lives that give us just a peek into the sufferings of Christ.
But have Hope! God is beyond us, our sin and the brokenness of this world, to take what is in our lives, and bring beauty and redemption out of it- to make us more like Jesus. What Jesus did at the cross goes far beyond the brokenness of the world. Jesus conquered our worst fear. death. This is something to live for.
I’ve learned, God doesn’t need to bring it on us, for we’ve brought it on ourselves- a simple taste of an apple, so we would be like God. He isn’t punishing us, or bringing it on us so we might turn to Him. No, He is taking our worst, our suffering, our ache, and making it all new. He is God, the resolution to the emptiness, the questions, the ache, the loss, all through the Cross of Jesus, if we’d just let Him.
March is a fickle month for me. The month I longed for winter to stay, my boy, so broken and suffering to lie heavy in my arms, but a heart’s cry for Spring to give him life again, in the arms of his Father. They’ll no longer be just seasons to me, but a picture of what was and is to come, for all of us, as we wait for the day our Maker brings Spring in the form of Jesus, for eternity.