I’m thankful for the Holy Spirit which brought peace surrounding my boy, even in the midst of chaos- always available.
At the beginning signs of the disease, when Zekey would finally sleep in my arms, sometimes for the 2nd, 3rd and 4th time in a night and after a day of dealing with doctors who wouldn’t believe me and Zeley falling constantly, I would just ache and cry and pray because I wanted my boy to be safe and it didn’t feel like he was. He was fighting something and I couldn’t figure it out.
This ruined any idea I had of what a momma was supposed to be. A momma is supposed to be able to make everything alright and I was continually reminded that thought was a myth. We cannot make everything alright. What we can do is give our children over to the One who does. And when I did, I felt that peace all over again- a presence that told me everything would be alright, because Jesus conquered all of the chaos and ruin in our lives.
When Zekey became bedridden, having all of the milestones taken away that once made him simply a little boy, it was as if he was laying in clouds of fog which represented the very presence of God himself.
When I would lay in bed with him, just enjoying his everything and holding his oftentimes twitching body however it would allow, there was a peace that went beyond all understanding- beyond the seizures, the tremors, the restless body my boy was trapped in. In the midst of such chaos happening in Zekey’s body, his brain, there was a peace that made the suffering fade into the background.
I write this simply but there is nothing simple about it. So, today, I am so thankful for the Holy presence surrounding my boy that brought a peace telling me, “It’s going to be okay, Jesus conquered all of this.”
And when I held my boy for the last time, finally at peace, I knew the enemy had lost although a lifeless, 4 year old body doesn’t look like a champion at all. And then, I remember, neither did the Son of God hanging on a cross, dying a brutal, undeserved death.
Oh no, this wasn’t the end of Zekey. It was only the beginning of forever and I’l join him someday and it will be glorious.