In the stillness, in the quiet places in time, when the ache comes on so strong- I go to the only One who can carry my burden. I weep to the only One who tells me this life is but a breath, a vapor and the only One who gives me the gift to be with my boy again, for eternity. My Savior, Jesus.
I’m afraid that if I don’t share with you, if only a few of the countless times I am completely stunned with the ache of missing my boy, Zekey, you’ll dismiss me as ‘healed’ and think of me as if I’ve passed over to Heaven, having all of my tears wiped away.
My absolute favorite picture with my boy, Zekey-Zoo
I’m still here, navigating through this life and roles through, not just grief, because that downplays what it really is…the loss of a beloved son, Ezekiel Todd, a name worth mentioning. A name that makes me laugh and smile at times and ache and feel empty at others.
I don’t like waiting to hold him again or playing out the memories of the suffering but I don’t always have a choice…they just come.
This is me, living out Hope in heartache.
I’ve come to realize that I’m guilty of filling my time up- hustling about to keep my heart from feeling the pain because it hurts too much and it takes time and patience with myself to wade in the ache of such a loss as Zekey.
And sometimes, all I want to do is run. Run as fast as I can through my calling(s) on earth and into the arms of Jesus with a smiling Zekey right behind.
Sometimes, my children here on earth, Zekey’s siblings, tell me they’re ready to go Home, too. They don’t like missing Zekey and they’re ready for things to be made right. When Heaven and earth will collide.
So, I tell them what I must tell myself, “We still have a mission. We are not Home yet so let’s keep doing what God has called us to do. We will get to see Jesus and Zekey and for eternity. For now, my loves, let’s be Jesus to the world!”
And we keep going because life keeps going and God gives us the strength to do so and with strength and courage, even if full of scars and wounds of pain and loss.
And I’ve got this God-given dream coming true and I’m so ready and excited for garment collective to happen as Zekey is so much a part of this beautiful story of redemption unfolding for so many. He is the drive behind my pursing a dream I thought was dead.
Zekey’s story isn’t done and hasn’t touched the heart of the last person who will hear it- I’m convinced of that.
“Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”
So I’ll be brave and press on, I’ll walk with a limp and some scars but it will not be for naught, for God desires ‘redemption for all’ and if only a small part, I will try to play it well.
Stay tuned for the launch of garment collective. The same month we celebrate the birth and life of Zekey will be the same month we launch and start selling garments. November 19th- the day a strong boy named Zekey with a big heart and a story worth sharing, would grace us with his presence.
Thank you, God, for the gift of Zekey, not just to our family, but the thousands who have and will hear his story and find You.
You can follow along on Instagram @garmentcollective
You can ‘like’ garment collective on Facebook.
You can ‘follow’ @garmentcoll on Twitter.
All of these are ways to stay in the loop on what is going on next! Dream with me? Continue to share Zekey’s life and the hope he is basking? Collaborate to bring redemption to women in Nepal who are being set free freedom from slavery?
I cannot do this alone. My hope is for us to collectively come together to bring a beautiful story to so many and look good doing it, wearing the garments I’ve designed, made by the artisans living out Hope, too! The garments made redemptively by women who have only known poverty and turmoil until now.
Thank you for your prayers and getting excited with us!