When you have a big (or small) decision to make, how do you hear from God? Or maybe, you’re doing or not doing something you should or shouldn’t be doing, are you in tune to God’s speaking to you through the Holy Spirit?
Many times in my life, mostly my teenage years (yikes!) when I was living a double life; christian, good-girl vs. partying with friends all weekend life, I would always wake up feeling a sorrow deep in my soul. A heaviness. As if my soul was downcast, acting like a cloudy day.
It was an exhausting way to live. To this day, though, I get similar feelings when I’m doing something that isn’t in line with what God has for me.
Well, you may have heard of the most recent excitement going on in my life- the opportunity to go on a mission trip to Rwanda with a group of some Noonday Collection ambassadors to hug and love on women who make gorgeous and unique jewelry to provide them a life of redemption and freedom. It’s truly a beautiful ministry and you should consider reading more over at their shop.
My previous post explains a bit more on how I can get a chance to go. I mean, the opportunity is amazing and very much in line with the clothing line I’m working on, coming this fall. Fashion + Justice colliding- it’s beautiful.
So, why the downcast spirit I spoke of from a dark time in life? Well, this isn’t something I take lightly. When I feel this, I like to stop whatever it is going on, talk it out with people I trust and get to the heart of it through prayer.
If the opportunity is so good, the heart of the business is Christ-centered, why do I feel so uneasy? I mean, I was literally feeling exhausted.
It all started a night I was a bit drugged up from pain meds I had to take from a minor surgery on my shoulder (ha!). I wanted to let the world know I wanted to go and I wanted to get you all to share my story, vote and make sure you knew to daily. Then, I started reading other women doing the same thing- some big-time bloggers and others I hadn’t heard of but all seemed to have good reasons to go.
One story broke my heart by Diana Wrote and I would genuinely be happy if she ended up being the gal to go- read her story here.
I just have this problem- I have a hard time rooting for myself and asking you all to root for me, too. I mean, asking you to vote, sharing the opportunity and my story is fine, but the ongoing ‘begging’ and ‘reminding’ was beginning to feel as if I was not only screaming ‘me! me!’ but I felt like a walking advertisement for, well, myself.
For that, I am sorry. I don’t want to be a writer who reflects ‘me’ but Jesus in me. If I am EVER going to be exhausted, I want it to be exhaustiion from being Jesus to others (where I will quickly be reminded of the Galatians 6:9 “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”) Jesus doesn’t want us to focus on ourselves- He calls us to look at and love on others. Ya want to know what’s a smack in the face? I tell this same thing to my kids almost daily.
For those who keep sharing and telling your friends and family to vote, I feel your love and I want to thank you. Whether I go now or I get to go another time with another group of lovely people hugging on more lovely people in a far away place, with beautiful, Jesus-breathed redemption in their eyes, I want to reflect Jesus, not me.
I love you all, truly.