My writing has been silent, but my heart has not. I’m learning to allow my Maker to mold and reshape my heart with less moans and groans. There are scars and there is pain, but I trust The Molder more than ever. I trust His strong but gentle hands. I know He is making me new.
I’ve done much reflecting, even before Zekey passed,, on what I would do with this blog and which direction it would take. How do I move on without him when his life and Christ through him have been the most impactful writing by far. Thousands instead of a hundreds are hearing and watching. Your prayers helped us through our darkest days and hour longest hours- his last hours.
Through this reflecting, I’ve asked myself, “Where will you go in your walk? How do you walk after tragedy? How are you changed?”
For those who are sticking around:
The answer to all of this is kind of simple. I look at all of the different angles of my life: My marriage, mothering, friendships, the school God has my kids in, my clothing line, this blog- social networking in general, gathering women together from all over the city and I have decided that, I just really want it all to point to Jesus. I’ve come to conclude that if after reading something of mine, or after a coffee date, if you leave and you didn’t experience some kind of Jesus, I’m sorry I wasted your time. He’s too good and too kind not to share Him with you. This world and all who are in it will fail us, but He will stick it out till the end.
I will stumble, and I will fall and when I do, may that show you my need for a Savior, too. I don’t want to forget why I’m here and not with my Zekey yet. I don’t want to forget my purpose. Whether there is clear direction in front of me, or I’m not sure which way to step or where I’ll end up (all are true), I want where I am right now, to point you to Jesus. I want my heart to stay honest with the good and the bad. I want to walk this journey with you because you have all been so dear to me. Your words, prayers, encouragement have all given me the pushes I needed to keep sharing this difficult journey with you.
Today is Easter Sunday or Resurrection Sunday. Twice today I walked by Zekey’s bed, his room on the main floor and was excited to grab him out and cuddle him as we read the Easter story, or to bring him outside to eat lunch after church. I missed him and for that brief moment I wanted him to be here but that quickly turned to rejoicing for him. I rejoiced for what Jesus did.
At church, I co-lead and sang, Mat Maher “Christ is risen” and these lyrics made me think of my sweet boy, now a man, whole and healed in heaven. It made me cry out hallelujah through these words of truth.
“Christ is risen from the dead. Trampling over death by death. Come awake, come awake, come and rise up from the grave. Christ is risen from the dead, we are one with Him again. Come awake, come awake, come and rise up from the grave. ”
I sang loud and proud and thankful for what Jesus’ death and then resurrection meant for all who will believe- for my Zekey. Jesus being the first to rise from the grave has also trampled Zekey’s death. He’s not dead- my Zekey is more alive than ever. What a gift to know and believe in such truth.
And mommas and daddies who are also hurting, missing your babies, I’m cyring and rejoicing with you, too. So many of you have shared your stories of loss or stories of diagnosis that will eventually bring a great loss and I want you to know this hope, too. Not a kind of hope that wavers, but The Hope knowing that what Jesus did was more than enough and when you choose to walk this life with Him, your sweet babies who are no longer in your arms but who are whole and complete in the arms of Jesus, will greet you in heaven someday, too.
For those of you who haven’t turned your back just because you haven’t experienced this or because it’s been too much tragedy to watch and listen too, you are unique and have been used by God in my life and others who have similar stories. You have said you’ll keep praying and walking with us even though you haven’t experience such loss. You are being used by God and I’m thankful for you. I know the other families you minister to are as well. You can imagine me standing up and clapping. What a gift you have and what a blessing to us. You.are.compassionate.
Grace and Peace to you.