Midnight Music and Mercy

Our sweet Zekey is getting worse and rather drastically. The ‘new’ version of him is slipped from my fingers every time I relearn what makes him comfortable, what makes him laugh, what makes him stop seizing to catch that song or music or show. Basically I’m always relearning what brings my sweet boy peace.

The new normal for Zekey is a regular dose of morphine, valium and tylenol (it really  helps, believe it or not) a couple of times daily on top of his many, many other, regular meds to help with seizure control and body function. His body is constantly doing something it shouldn’t. His body is shutting down. They say it may takes months of this kind of suffering.

Tonight, Zekey woke up crying. He is crying many times a day and it’s a constant guessing game as to what it is bothering him at that particular moment. I feel like the proudest mom when I seem to find what he needs.  I’m learning to address the first signs with the right meds but eventually, his pain and suffering break through.

Earlier tonight, I was restless with God. Crying so hard my head hurt, begging Him to do something. Something that reminded me He had a plan in all of this. That Zeke’s suffering wasn’t for nothing.

This is when I went downstairs to my crying Zekey and held him and did all of the tricks up my sleeve to ease his pain. Nothing seemed to work. As Zeke heard me but couldn’t find me (loosing his sight), he cried louder. My anger at God, our situation, Zeke’s disease grew.

Then, Andy put on some of Zekey’s favorite music from the good ole days when I would drive around Westerville to catch a break- read old posts and you’ll get a glimpse of how much he was into everything.

Zekey’s crying stopped in an instant. He could now allow my soft touches to ease his fear of being alone. His face next to mine gave him relief like loving momma’s face should. I kissed him a million times on his sweet cheeks as he showed signs of happiness and joy and most importantly, peace. He smiled and my words and giggles and then, he fell asleep.

You know there’s much suffering when a momma prays God would take her child, take him home.

And that’s where Andy and I are. We are praying God’s mercy would snatch Zekey from this wretched disease and into the loving arms of his Savior in heaven with peace and maybe even a smile. The thought kills a part of me and brings much relief, too.

photo 1-1

 

This is the hope I have in Jesus. That I could take a child I carried for 9 months, nursed, raised and loved and kissed on, laughed, cried and prayed over, to be taken from my arms and into the arms of Jesus. Jesus paid the price at the cross and Zekey will reap the benefit of that. So do I and so can you, if you let Jesus be your King, too.

These posts are written in grief, and brokenness, a yearning for change in my heart, a renewal, redemption, and of course my hope in the midst of heartache. I write from a place of desperation for my Savior, Jesus. I write in my brokenness that is exposing my deepest sin with the hope in knowing, God is and will continue to make all things new.

Pray with us? Thank you, friends.

 

74 Comments

  • Reply March 11, 2014

    Elaine

    Oh Breena, I can do nothing but cry with you. And pray. And cry

    • Reply March 12, 2014

      bree

      Elaine,

      Thank you for praying.

  • Reply March 11, 2014

    sandy

    Breena, so very thankful Zeke has the parents He does…..God knew just who would love him every step of this path.

    • Reply March 12, 2014

      bree

      Sandy,

      I feel so blessed to be Zekey’s momma. We could not love him anymore than we do. Thank you.

      Bree

  • Reply March 11, 2014

    Tara Hobgood

    You will never know the impact and good you are doing for the Kingdom. Your willingness to share your innermost thoughts and emotions is bringing forth glory to Him.

    Your situation should never ever be felt in this life. But your grace and ability to trust Him the way you do in the pit of what your going through is such a testament to how GREAT our God is. And how much He cares for us in the strangest/hardest/muckiest of ways.

    His kingdom will welcome Zekey with open arms someday. And your love and faithfulness in His plan will change many for the glory of His name.

    Your allowing Him to work in LARGE ways.

    Prayers for you, Andy, your sweet babies as each day gets harder. And for Z especially, father bring Him home safe in Your arms.

    xoxo,
    tara

    • Reply March 12, 2014

      bree

      Tara,

      Oh, sweet friend. You bless me from afar. I love watching your momma life unfolding. It reminds me so much of my first-time momma experience with Cyrus. Thank you for sharing that with us.

      And yes, our situation is the outcome of a broken world. I do trust Him. He’s my rock. I’ve tried doing it on my own and I failed. I’m so thankful for His willingness to stick by me as I keep choosing to stick by Him.

      Thank you so much for your encouragement, friend. It helps. I want to be used by Him. Zekey’s suffering is for naught if it’s not used to point others to Jesus. He’s so, so good.

      Thank you for praying.

      Bless and love you, sister-friend.

  • Reply March 11, 2014

    Falon

    Dear sweet Lord, please give Breena and Andy a blanket of comfort and peace. Let them have constant reminders of your love and promise for our lives and the life of their sweet precious Zeke. That he will soon be whole and healed smiling down on his Godly parents. We all need reminders that this is only our temporary home and our eternal home is with our heavenly Father.
    In your name I pray,
    Amen

    • Reply March 12, 2014

      bree

      Falon,

      Thank you for your prayers. God does amazing things for us through prayer.

      Blessings

  • Reply March 11, 2014

    Mary "rum"

    There is nothing I can say or do to ease this suffering, although that is what I want to do. I want to stand in the gap and make everything all right. But that is not my place. It is God’s place. I stand with you in prayer and grief and tears, knowing God is in the midst of all of this with a plan…one we do not fully understand but trust. We love you all and you are in our “unceasing” prayers.

    • Reply March 12, 2014

      bree

      Mary,

      You prayer warrior, you. Thank you. I only get tiny glimpses of what He’s doing through all of this and those glimpses are what help keep me going knowing that people’s hearts are softening and seeing just how good God is.

      Love you

  • Reply March 11, 2014

    jeanne Thomas

    Breena,

    Loving only as a mother could, reflecting a perfect Love.

    “What marvelous love the Father has extended to us! Just look at it—we’re called children of God! That’s who we really are. But that’s also why the world doesn’t recognize us or take us seriously, because it has no idea who he is or what he’s up to.” I John 3:1 The Message

    • Reply March 12, 2014

      bree

      You ALWAYS have a good word for me. Sometimes I can reply, and sometimes not but your messages of encouragement are like sweet honey to my soul.

      Thank you, sister-friend.

      Love you

  • Reply March 11, 2014

    Kelly Steele

    Breena, I am speechless, praying for all of you .. I love you !!!!

    • Reply March 12, 2014

      bree

      Kelly,

      I love you. Thank you so much for praying and sharing Zekey’s story.

  • Reply March 11, 2014

    Jolie

    I often don’t comment because I feel like I have nothing i could say that would make anything better (I don’t) but your journey breaks my heart in a new way now that I am also a mother. My head can’t fathom the grief you feel, how it must swallow you whole every day. There is so much about God that I can’t fathom, one of which being this kind of suffering. I am so thankful he saw you fit to be Zekes mother, and that you are able to seek refuge with Him. You are the perfect mother for Zeke. Sending you love and prayers for peace.

    • Reply March 12, 2014

      bree

      Jolie,

      I’m glad you did comment. I used to point my finger up at God and blame Him. Then, through a year of pointing, I realized He wasn’t the one making this happen to Zeke, He truly was my only refuge (as you perfectly put it) from the brokenness this world is bound to bring.

      Thank you for encouraging and praying. Love to you, Jolie.

  • Reply March 11, 2014

    Tricia Bacon

    Praying that God takes your suffering away, that God brings your family peace soon. And always sending your family love.

    • Reply March 12, 2014

      bree

      Tricia,

      Thank you so much for those prayers. God is pouring much goodness to us and I believe prayer is a big part of the peace we feel.

      Love to your family.

  • Reply March 11, 2014

    Erin Bilik

    Kids and I will be on our knees after breakfast.

    • Reply March 12, 2014

      bree

      You’re a good friend, Erin. Now if life would allow us to hang out !!!

  • Reply March 11, 2014

    April Rum

    I am hurting, crying, praying with and for you guys. I love you Breena!

    • Reply March 12, 2014

      bree

      April,

      Thank you. Love you, too, sister-friend!

  • Reply March 11, 2014

    Andrea Baugher

    Holts, our hearts ache with you. Praying that God will continue to walk beside you through this terribly dark valley and that the sun will rise again for you very soon. Tears and prayers…

    • Reply March 12, 2014

      bree

      Amen, Andrea. Amen. Thank you for praying.

  • Reply March 11, 2014

    Aunt Jan

    I am “holding up your arms” sweet girl. That 4th picture of Zeke looks EXACTLY like you when you laugh. Always praying.

    • Reply March 12, 2014

      bree

      Aunt Jan,

      Thank you for praying always. And, I love to know people see a bit of me in Zeke.:) He’s such a light in this dark world and disease.

      Love you

  • Reply March 11, 2014

    Shannon Burke

    Crying with you, praying for you. I know my words are nothing, so I wish I were closer and could just be there!

    • Reply March 12, 2014

      bree

      Shannon,

      Thank you for praying and for always willing to encourage.

      Love to you.

  • Reply March 11, 2014

    Lauren

    Aching with you and praying for you!!

    • Reply March 12, 2014

      bree

      Thank you for your prayers, Lauren.

  • Reply March 11, 2014

    Sarah from Cleveland

    Breena…
    My heart aches with you. Jesus is apart of your tender moments and He will honor you. I see how much Jesus loves Zeke by giving him to you… He knew this is what you would do. He knew this is how you would love. Jesus knew the pain of this when he chose you to be Zekey’s parents and He knew you would offer deep tenderness and He knew you would do what He would do. Write this trying desperately not to weep in the middle of my work place. If I could hug you for an hour, I would, Bree. Know I share with you in this – I am praying for you and your family. Our Jesus will love you in it all. My love to you all, Sarah

    • Reply March 12, 2014

      bree

      Sarah,

      Thank you. We so appreciate your prayers.

      Love to you.

  • Reply March 11, 2014

    Kerrie

    This breaks my heart into a million pieces – I cannot imagine what it must be doing to all of you.
    Lord I pray that you will hear the prayers of this family and all those supporting them. I pray as they have that you would end Zeke’s suffering and take him in your precious arms. I know Lord that you have placed Zeke with this family for a reason – they are an amazing family of faith and he is so blessed that you have placed him there. Lord I thank you for answered prayer. I pray all if this in your Holy name – Amen.

    • Reply March 12, 2014

      bree

      Kerrie,

      This is a time we are being refined. We are being made new. It’s hard and sticky and messy but through Zeke’s suffering, we are showing others just how strong God is to get us through. It is not we ourselves.

      God took the brokenness of this world and is showing thousands where to seek refuge. I hope that is what people see. That God is there for us to run to, not away from.

      Love to you.

  • Reply March 11, 2014

    Kristy

    Our hearts are breaking with yours. Praying, praying, praying. We love you Holts so very much!

    • Reply March 12, 2014

      bree

      This must be the Ell’s speaking! Hi, friends. Thank you for praying. We love you, too!

      Bree

  • Reply March 11, 2014

    Megan

    in prayer and supplication. My spirit is groaning for you- I just keep thinking: and in everything give thanks. Such a catch right? Giving our sweet babies to the Lord who gave them to us; We have 4 waiting w/ Jesus now and I long for the day to meet and hold them- but I am so grateful that they are there! I will continue to ask for His perfect peace on Zeke and your strength and endurance in these days. love you friend!

    • Reply March 12, 2014

      bree

      Oh, Megan.

      Thank you for putting that so beautifully, “We have 4 waiting with Jesus now and I long for the day to meet and hold them- but I am so grateful that they are there.”

      I’m sorry you have had to endure that kind of suffering and loss. The way you describe your feelings of waiting to see them again and also glad they are there– I feel this way, too, on this end of Zeke’s suffering. I think I’ll always long for heaven in a new way, to see my king, Jesus and my son, Zekey.

      Thank you. Love to you.

  • Reply March 11, 2014

    Marguerite Alvarado

    This is the first time I have heard of your story and my heart is breaking. I cannot stop the tears. I will pray for Zeke and your family. Your faith is an absolute inspiration. I am humbled and overwhelmed. I know the Lord is holding you all in His righteous right hand.

    • Reply March 12, 2014

      bree

      Marguerite,

      Thank you for your encouragement and for your prayers.

      Blessings and love to you

  • Reply March 11, 2014

    Rick Widener

    Andy and Bree and family and friends, nothing to add but we are praying for you and the release of Zeke to His arms. Love you guys.

    • Reply March 12, 2014

      bree

      Amen and thank you, Rick.

  • Reply March 11, 2014

    Josue Soto

    I saw this shared on a fellow classmates FB and my heart is breaking for your family. My thoughts and prayers will be with Zeke and your entire family.

    • Reply March 12, 2014

      bree

      Josue,

      Thank you so much for praying and reaching out here and on FB.

      Blessings and love to you and your precious family.

  • Reply March 11, 2014

    Kori

    Breena-
    Your words bring tears to my eyes! I am praying for you! I enjoyed hanging out with you and watching Zeke laugh! His smile brightens a room! You are a blessing and gift to that sweet boy! He is truly blessed to have parents that love him! I am praying that you will feel peace and love all around you!
    Love you!
    Kori

    • Reply March 12, 2014

      bree

      Kori,

      I loved that my spontaneity actually worked this time! It was so great having you over, with just Zekey there. So. Great.

      Love you!

  • Reply March 11, 2014

    Sarah Halsteaed

    Just stumbled upon your blog. I am praying and weeping with you. I have a special needs son and I just wrote a post about My Story Being God’s Story. http://www.sarahhalstead.com/blog/my-story-is-gods-story/ Not sure if it will bring any comfort to you, but I felt let to share it with you. Praying Zeke will soon be free from his disease. You all are amazing parents. Going to read some previous posts.

    • Reply March 12, 2014

      bree

      Sarah,

      What a blessing to be a momma of a special needs child, wrapped up in a constant refinement by God. Prayers poured out for you and all those God speaks to through your story.

      Love and blessing to you

  • Reply March 11, 2014

    Chad B.

    I just saw this on a post from Ben Snyder and felt the overwhelming need to pray for you all and especially for Zeke…I know we’ve never met, but just wanted you to know that I will continue to pray for you all and for a healing for your precious son…whether here or in the arms of our Lord

    • Reply March 12, 2014

      bree

      Chad,

      Thank you and amen. Healing here or there- my constant prayer.

      Blessings to you

  • Reply March 12, 2014

    Mary Anne Johnson

    My heart breaks with you sweet mother!!! I will pray for you and your baby boy!
    May you find healing, rest, peace, and the miracles of a loving savior and God!
    In Christ I pray for The Holy Spirit to fill your family and pour into every cell of Zekey’s body , heart and soul, and mind.
    Amen

    • Reply March 12, 2014

      bree

      Mary,

      Yes, we are needing the Holy Spirit to be so near to us. Thank you.

      Love and blessings

  • Reply March 12, 2014

    Tina F

    GOD Bless, thoughts and prayers to and for Zeke and All Who Love Him.

    • Reply March 12, 2014

      bree

      Tina,

      Amen and thank you.

  • Reply March 12, 2014

    Dick Baldwin

    As a father, I too weep with you. As a brother in Christ, I am comforted knowing you can trust in Him. We will never know until we get to heaven and meet up with a happy, healthy Zeke, and see our Lord, why He allows this for Zeke.

    I too will continue to pray for the Holt family as they trust God to take Zeke into His loving arms and give him peace.

    Dick Baldwin

    • Reply March 12, 2014

      bree

      Dick,

      Amen and thank you for your prayers.

      Blessings to you

  • Reply March 12, 2014

    Brenda

    I saw Ben’s note. I am praying for God’s grace to be real to you.
    I wept reading your blog- knowing only a small portion of what you are dealing with. I will ask God for healing-He wants us to ask. I struggled a while back with intractable p ain, wanted to believe God would heal- after many months I came to a place where these 2 small verses comforted me,
    Hebrews 11: 39,40 ” These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised. God had planned something better for us that only together with us, would they be made perfect.”

    My comfort is in knowing that though I was not seeing the answer I so desperately seeking, I too might be commended for my faith, that God had planned something better – even though I was in a place I could not see it.
    Against all odds, way beyond when it was thought likely- I was healed. I have had 12 years pain free. It was an incredible gift only God could do. So, I pray for Zeke in this light.

    I pray God strengthens each of you. May He give you peace, grace ~ may you stand before His throne and be commended for your faith.

    • Reply March 12, 2014

      bree

      Brenda,

      Thank you for sharing your story of healing. How beautiful. Thank you for your prayers and encouragement.

      Blessings and love to you

  • Reply March 12, 2014

    Andrea

    I am struggling to get up this morning because of depression. The light of Christ is shining so brightly through you that it has drawn me upright and everything looks new. I will be praying and praying for Zeke and for your mother-heart.

    • Reply March 13, 2014

      bree

      Andrea,

      Praying and lifting you up, that you would feel the tenderness and vastness of The Father’s love for you. That you would receive healing from the only One who can.

      Thank you for praying for us. It’s such a blessing.

      Love and blessing to you

  • Reply March 12, 2014

    Terri H

    That desperate burning ache in your souls and spirits for sweet Zeke will one day be broken and a new day will be born…
    As you continue to exemplify a portrait of the Father’s love for us and how powerful, pure, and tender it is, we keep you in our prayers. There will be victory over this bitter cup. Wrapping you all in love from afar. May His peace be yours now and throughout the days to come.

    • Reply March 13, 2014

      bree

      Terri,

      Amen. Thank you.

  • Reply March 12, 2014

    Ramee Larson

    Bree-
    Reading your blog has taken me back through so many of my own emotions. SO much of my writing looks like yours. This hope that we have in our Father draws us near to Him. I see you hold your sweet boy as I’m holding my jerky girl on my chest and I weep for you. For me. And yet, your heart matches mine, friend. I’m praying and I’m here. Please feel free to email me…I’d love to talk more.

    • Reply March 13, 2014

      bree

      Ramee,

      I’d love that. Thank you for your encouragement. I just tried leaving a comment on your blog, written so beautifully. It wouldn’t let me b/c I didn’t have any of the accounts they supplied.
      Just know, I’m lifting you up to our Heavenly Father, in all that you face, I cannot even fathom. I picture our hands linked together, having similar scars, praying in The Spirit.

      Love you to, sweet, sister-friend

  • Reply March 13, 2014

    Kristin

    Bree,

    Prayers!! Thank you for sharing. It’s your humility, coinciding with your God-confidence that speaks so loudly to me. What a testimony to God’s faithfulness in every.single.moment. He cares. Love you!!

    Kristin

    • Reply March 13, 2014

      bree

      Kristin,

      Thank you so much for your encouragement! He is SO faithful. Blessings and LOVE to YOU!

  • Reply March 13, 2014

    Toni

    Dear Lord Jesus, Savior, Friend thank you for suffering and dying for our salvation and our healing. Thank you for ascending and sending your Spirit to comfort and guide us. Dear Lord I ask for courage for the Holt household and those close to Zeke; courage to BE with Zeke these hard, sorrowful days. I pray especially for Cyrus, Eisley, and Bexley. I ask you to help them process this time and help them say, do, be, (whatever Lord) to/with Zekey in this present day, so in their future lives there is no regret, no looking back to say “I wish I would have……” I know they are young. Thank you for holding their hands and bringing them to Zeke’s bedside. Talk to all of them so sweetly Father–grant them an understanding of your ever-present love for Zekey and them. I am so grateful that you give this family wisdom every day and the perseverance to trust you. In Jesus name, Amen. I Love all you Holts

    • Reply March 13, 2014

      bree

      Toni,

      Thank you for that prayer and amen. Love to you!

  • Reply March 14, 2014

    Rita Arvay

    There are so few words for so many emotions. I pray for Zekey’s suffering to end. For God to be glorified through all this and for healing to be able to begin.

    • Reply March 14, 2014

      bree

      Rita,

      Thank you for your prayers. Love to you

  • Reply March 14, 2014

    Alainna

    We pray for Zekey and your entire family every night. As the tears stream down my face, I remember what an inspiration you are. Through the darkness, you always manage to see the light, and at the most difficult times. Continued prayers for Zekey and your family. May you all find peace and comfort.

    • Reply March 15, 2014

      bree

      Alainna,

      Thank you so much for telling me you pray for Zekey and our family. This never gets old – prayer is so powerful. Thank you for your sweet encouragement. Love to you

  • Reply March 15, 2014

    Lin Jones

    My heart breaks for you and your family. I cannot imagine. I’ve been running a lot of races and everytime I struggle to finish, I think of how strong your son is & how hard he is fighting. It helps me not to quit. He is truly an inspiration. Praying continuously for you & your family!

    • Reply March 16, 2014

      bree

      LIn,

      That is SUCH a beautiful story – thank you for sharing! Also, for your prayers. They SO bless us! Love to you

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