March Goals

I crack up at goals because  reaching  even setting goals is challenging in this season we are in. I don’t remember the last time I have. But, I really relate to Hayley over at thetinytwig when she shares her struggles. I am encouraged, though, because I can still set goals and try, right. If I fail, there is grace to get back up again!

In the season we are in, there is a physical, spiritual, mental and emotional exhaustion.

Physical Exhaustion:

(I’m sure I’m forgetting a lot, but this is some of the extra stuff we do on top of normal parenting stuff)

We get up when Zekey wakes up (at any hour he needs) crying because of either sadness or pain. We wake up to get his meds in the early morning as well as start his feed (he has a g-tube). If he’s willing, we’ll rock him back to sleep otherwise we put on his favorite movie or show to help bring him mental relief. Mid-day, he receives more meds and extra fluids to keep him hydrated. We check on the feed. If it’s done, we take him out for cuddling and preparing for another nap. After he wakes, we get his favorite show turned on to calm him and extra meds if needed for comfort. His second feed is started and we keep an eye on his ability to handle the feed. If he cannot handle a feed, he will spit up and choke on the fluids. Dinner-time meds and eventually sleeping meds are given.

Spiritual Exhaustion:

We prayed and believed for healing for a full year and a half before we received Zekey’s diagnosis. We continued praying and believing for healing but Zekey kept declining and extremely fast. I still pray that God would heal Zekey on earth but there’s this peace knowing Zekey will be healed, just not here.

During that year and a half, my faith grew at the same time it was challenged like never before. I grew closer to God not necessarily because I believed God would heal Zekey, but more because I was learning to trust Zekey and all of my kids over to God in ways that I really needed to, and I believe most mommas may struggle to as well. I was learning how to walk with God regardless of life circumstances. I learned to believe the truths of God regardless of the lies the enemy was trying to get me to believe. I learned that I was going to really have to tap into The Devine Power within us, given by the Holy Spirit in order to walk on waters I was very unsure of.

Right now? God is very silent but again, I cling to His truths. He is present and near to the brokenhearted. He has won and Batten disease dies with Zeke’s temporary, earthly body and Zekey will go on to his new body, in the arms of Jesus.

I’m struggling to be okay with not having a timeline for my sweet boys’ life. I don’t want him to suffer but I want to hold him, make him laugh, get that once-in-awhile eye contact. How long do we have with him? We just do not know…this is so, so challenging right now. There is no preparing our hearts, not really. And there is no planning for the future. I’m learning to take the day I’m given and live it out.

Mental exhaustion:

Simple tasks given by my kids’ teachers are just one more thing for me to do on top of nurse visits, keep up on Zekey’s vitals (Just look at the physical exhaustion section again). I just choose to do the most important ones and for.get.the.rest. I throw things away that would make the head of Parent’s club gasp in shock. Oh.well. Some other season but not. this. one. I do NOT sign Cy’s ‘to-do’ list for the week and send it back as I’m supposed to but I do (most of the time) make him do everything on that list. That counts, right? I also pack my kids’ lunches 95% of the time except days like today when…I didn’t. They bought. I’m learning to not try to do it all, or maybe I’m still not doing it all but I’m not caring so much. My family’s well-being is most important, not how many sports and extracurricular things they are involved in.

Also, my brain doesn’t work. It’s always in a fog but I can play it off pretty well, sometimes…

Emotional Exhaustion:

I could cry all the live long day except, I cannot because I have to do.do.do. stuff. And when I don’t have to cater to my sweet 2yo, I don’t think, “Okay, get a cry out.” And when the hospice nurses tell me signs to look for to point to Zekey’s passing, than 2 hours later signs show up, I cry really, really hard that night. But, when he seems so happy in the morning hours, I feel like we have a year, not a month or two. Really, anything short of my son burying me, his mom, of old age just.sucks.

So, My March Goals?

1. Read a book. I am taking a break from some social networking to focus more on Zekey and all of my families’ mourning in this season + drawing closer to my heavenly Father and so reading is a lovely pastime. I find my creative juices go a little crazy (in the best of ways) when I read so I’d like to finish a book I’ve started.

photo-2

2. Spend one on one time with my oldest two, Cyrus and Eisley, doing things they love, once a week. I’m guessing Lego building with Cy and crafting/sewing with Eisley will be in order.

That is all. I’m going to make my list short. This is a season and I’m in no hurry to rush it because as difficult as it is, this season is also the last with my son, Ezekiel. My sweet, precious, joyful boy.

22 Comments

  • Reply March 5, 2014

    Aunt Jan

    Praying for you and your family as always. I love you.

  • Reply March 5, 2014

    Amy Montgomery

    Your goals sound just right.. simple and important.
    Less “noise” from technology and more reading is such a great idea.. I know that it really helps calm me.
    Enjoy that special time with your older two! :)

    • Reply March 6, 2014

      bree

      Thanks, Amy. It keeps life simpler for sure. Thank you for your comment, Amy!

  • Reply March 5, 2014

    Shannon Chappell

    Love everything about this. Raw & true- spoke right to my heart. I am exhausted as well & really love the idea of writing it down. I will start my list. Also, it has been bothering me that I don’t read as much as I used to, or if we’re honest- at all. I used to LOVE reading. Sometimes I just tell myself that I don’t have the time. That’s a lie- I have the time, I’m just usually too tired to do it. I started reading a book several weeks ago, read one chapter & it’s just been laying on my table ever since. I will join you in your book reading goal. Thank you for everything written here!

    • Reply March 6, 2014

      bree

      Good for you! Keep it simple. I’m realizing that just taking time to think about goals and then say them out load was kind of a big deal. I’m excited :) I completely relate. Keep me posted on how you’re doing! Thank you for your comment, Shannon!

  • Reply March 5, 2014

    Kelsey knight

    I love you immensely. I only “know” you through here and on insta, but my heart hurts so badly for you. I will say a prayer for you as often as I think of one. If for nothing else, I’ll pray for energy!!!! We are miles and miles away…. But if there is ANYTHING I can do for you, please ASK! All my love, kels

    • Reply March 6, 2014

      bree

      Oh, Kels, thank you. This is the sweetest. Love you right back, sister! I’ll take energy 😉

  • Reply March 5, 2014

    Shannon

    Hugs and prayers as always. I hope you love your book!

    • Reply March 6, 2014

      bree

      Thanks, Shannon! I do..it’s so great :) Thanks for commenting!

  • Reply March 5, 2014

    Terri Merrick (Jenna's aunt)

    Bree you are an inspiration for us all…. you are an amazing mother.. my love and prayers are with you always……

    • Reply March 6, 2014

      bree

      Thank you for your encouragement and for commenting. Blessings, Terri!

  • Reply March 5, 2014

    Jessica

    A agree with Amy – your goals sound spot on. I’m constantly battling with turning away from technology to find some peace and quiet in my mind.

    • Reply March 6, 2014

      bree

      It is so much better than I could have imagined. I’ve done it before (for 9 months!) and it’s just good to get refocused on what is true and pure and holy. It brought me closer to God and I want that again. Thank you so much for your comment, Jessica!

  • Reply March 6, 2014

    Nadine

    Ever since starting to nanny (and having nap times available to me), I’ve started to read a lot more. It’s been so refreshing. I forgot how great it is to sit with a good book. Hope you get that one done. xo friend!

    • Reply March 7, 2014

      bree

      Nadine! Hiiii, friend!!! Good for you! I do, too. I forget so easily and then I do it and I’m like, “Whyyyy do I wait this long to read?!” Blessings, sister-friend!

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