When I write on this blog, I write out of a bursting forth of emotion, wisdom from The Holy Spirit, lessons learned, convictions, hope, etc. But then, there are times that I write strictly because of you.
I sometimes find myself crying, not because of Zekey’s suffering or my suffering because of his, but because my words that inspire, encourage and build you up are not enough and I don’t know if you know this- at least, not all of you.
I have this space on the internet that God has used to do some pretty great things in the hearts of many but is it enough? Are my words smooth enough to lure you, my faith through suffering powerful enough to grab you, my hope in heartache inspiring enough for you to see the light?
The answer is simple. NO.
I cry because your response has been beautiful, some of your actions, your gifts, words of encouragement are so good. Your prayers are straight from your heart and your good thoughts are many. But, it’s just not enough and I’m not enough.
In the end, this blog and story you follow, no matter how many tears you shed for us, how many times you pray for us, they will not ‘win’ you points with the ‘man upstairs’, as they say.
I’m not enough, Zekey isn’t enough, your efforts in loving us are just not enough. They are beautiful and they bless us but they will not help you in the end.
You have this message, and maybe my blog is just one of many ways God is trying to reach you, to lure you into His most perfect love, His kingdom, His family. And you are sitting there, reading this maybe feeling angry at my words, or intrigued at how blunt I’m being, or maybe you are starting to understand.
A one time prayer asking for Jesus to come into your heart will not even do the trick. Jesus paid the ultimate sacrifice. He’s done all that needs to be done…but then, there’s this strong love He has for you, that allows you to say ‘no’ to the things of this world and ‘yes’ to the freedom He has in living life for Him. It’s not a trap. It’s not a cult. It’s a family, the way family was meant to be.
We don’t have it all right, either- Christians or those who are a part of this family of God. We still fail and sin and fall short. But for those who are truly following Jesus for the long haul, you’ll find there’s repentance and forgiveness. Redemption and grace to get back up again.
To be honest, it can get pretty messy. But, life’s messy. We are still sinful but the difference between those who are truly following Jesus and those who are not is that those following Christ are trying to die to the old ‘them’ and become more like Jesus which, in turn, makes them more of who God really created us to be.
At the end of your life, and if you’ve ever lost a loved one, you know the end does come, it will come down to this, “Who did you live for?”
If you’ve lived this life and all that comes with it, the good, bad and ugly, have you felt weary? Have you felt there is no hope? You’ll always be addicted? Maybe you’re waiting for your big break to free you from poverty? Maybe all the money you could dream of just isn’t fulfilling all you expected?
Come, find rest in Jesus. It will not take away all of your sadness, make all things right, nor will it give you a ticket to financial freedom but you can take these burdens you carry and cast them onto Him. They don’t have to be yours.
He will bring you hope in heartache, peace in suffering, strength where you are weak, freedom where you feel trapped, healing from addiction.
God is good and loves you. He lays out ways for us to live, and ways for us not to live not because “He’s God and He can.” No, He knows what is best for us. He wants to give you real freedom that comes from following Him and His ways. Find someone to talk to who you know loves the Lord. Ask them the hard questions you may have about what it means to follow Jesus. And, you can pray to God, asking Him to open your eyes to more of who He is. He’d be honored.
I cannot even fathom how some go through such heartache as we are facing with Zekey without Jesus. He is slipping through our fingers. Our once healthy boy is slowly leaving this world, suffering and all and entering eternity where his full healing will come to pass and he’ll be in the arms of Jesus.
I can go through this trial with true peace because I know where my baby is going. I know that the price Jesus paid at the cross wins in the end. Batten disease looses, no matter how much it seems Batten is winning here on earth. Remember, it’s the lie the enemy himself is believing but I don’t have to.
I’m going to be taking a break from some social media to draw closer to my heavenly Father as we continue to walk this path of grief while we still have Zekey and then, eventually, on the other side of losing him. I will continue writing on here as I find the time and feel an urge.
I may find more time to work on my clothing line, who knows. I just need more of Him and less noise.
I’m so thankful for all of you who have followed and walked through this season with us. If you want to continue to stay in the loop of our family and Zekey, you’ll want to write your email in the box under my picture on the right of my blog where it says, “Subscribe here”. It will not bring in spam, but you’ll receive an email every time I write another post.
Written in love,