Loving From Afar

Vacation almost did not happen for us. Andy and I were packing/not packing to go a day later than the rest of my family. It was stressful. We didn’t know if it’d be worth it as Zeke has only gotten worse recently. Would he love it? Would he not be able to handle the change in scenery? The drive?

Our other children were our motivation. We knew they would have so much fun having family around (a luxury we do not have at home) and have something to do at every waking hour. That made me so excited as you all know, I have such a guilt in not being able to spend the quality time with them I would like to.

Andy and I have to fight really hard for our marriage. We barely have our own bed anymore as Zeke needs almost constant attention. This life sucks us of our energy. We are always needing each other to do something to help with whatever is needed at the moment. We give each other our last fruits from the day.

And then, there’s that whole watching your son die a slow and tortuous death…

I am not going to pretend that it’s easy. It is the most difficult thing we may ever do. We have pretty much all of my worst fears in life thrown into one season and we’re supposed to bare it. Stick together, hold each other up, put each other first, love with agape. But it’s really, really difficult.

My flesh reminds me I’m tired, I have only slept X amount of hours, I am needed 24/7, I don’t get a break, I don’t get to focus on me…me…me…

But, this is wrong. There isn’t excuse. Whatever life situation we have, we are told to be a living sacrifice. To reflect the life of Jesus. To always think of others’ needs, not our own. And that makes me want to cuss because I rarely have that mentality.

Romans 12:1-2
“I appeal to you therefore, brothers,by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”

It’s this world we forget isn’t our forever home. Compare it to heaven and it’s basically a rental. We think our family is the best family we’ll ever have. Our home (or our someday dream home) is the prettiest place and most fun to decorate we’ll ever have. Our things, our status, our earthly future.

This (the world) just isn’t it and that should make us all thrilled! Whatever good or bad here on earth is going to be completely wiped out by the perfect dwelling with our real family, The Body of Christ living in the presence of God, the beautiful Trinity.

Andy talk often of Zeke and his healing. We talk of our lives and how we could ask for such a thing from God when we have blood on our hands. We are hurtful towards each other. We say things out of complete exhaustion without an edit button. We love each other the most, and yet we hurt each other the most.

I tell you this to say this is a messy time in life but we are learning and growing and becoming more of who God has for us to be. We are being refined and by God’s grace, there are times of much sweetness in this time of suffering.

Let’s think about it.

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