Be Careful What You Wish Away

I have told you in previous posts how these “trending” blog posts from parents who are ‘anti-guilt’ in parenting, that are going viral basically saying, “Stop making me feel bad! This season of having little ones is hard, dang-it! Don’t keep telling me that, ‘it goes fast.’  or ‘I wish I could go back’.”

I could kind of relate at one point in my life, but then I put my pride aside and let the wisdom soak in. I stopped puffing my chest and digging my heals in the sand. It wasn’t doing any good.

I am a momma who would cry every season of changing out the clothes because I knew those sweet, forever-stained shirts would never fit them again. I would cry for hours on the floor as I put their clothes in bags to give away or to save for the next child. I hated watching them grow, and I did feel guilty that I wished away their ages. I really wanted to embrace their little messes, mispronounced words, inability to do things on their own yet. I hated struggling with the chaos amidst the beauty.

So, I tried harder to be thankful-and then, God gave me this sweet boy named Ezekiel Todd. And boy was (and is) he cute. It looked as if we put a wig on his head as a newborn. His eyes deep with wonder. Everyone who knew him, knew he was intelligent way beyond his years.

He met all of his milestones earlier than my other babies. He was printing off paper from the computer before he was two. We all figured he’d be an engineer like his Grandpa Nate.

Alongside all of this, he was also into everything. He would throw ‘breakable’ things down the steps.  Leaving messes everywhere he went. I wished he would just be a 4-year-old!!!   At age two, he seemed to always get into water, obsess of pushing heavy things. Basically, he was driving me mad.

And then, he lost his ability to speak to us.

For a long time, 6 months to be exact, we blamed this on having two very talkative, older siblings. Eventually, we saw a need to intervene to get him to talk on the level he should have been. We saw progress and “everything will be fine” came out of the mouths of the professionals.

But then, he had his first seizure. This took everyone back, especially the professionals. I erased that blog post. It was the most difficult thing to read. I couldn’t bare it…I had to take it away because maybe, this nightmare would go away, too….

Fast forward a year and a half and now he is having 1,000s and 1,000s of seizures

And as my son can only now sit on the couch and on a good day, scoot accross the floor, I wish I could get those days back where he was running around and into everything. Those days where I would cry out saying, “Why, Zeke?! Why?”

The very thing you may be wishing away, is the very thing another may be wishing they had.

If you feel guilty, that isn’t my intention. My intention is to point you to truth. That these very difficult days of wiping butts, waking up at all hours, cleaning up messes only to clean it up again tomorrow, restating the rules 100 times, etc., etc., etc. are the very same things I wish I was doing with my son, Ezekiel.

Mind you, I have 3 other children who are helping take care of my missing that stage with Zekey 😉 But the truth is, the enemy is hard at work, keeping us from seeing the beauty in the struggles. Because, there is beauty in the chaos. Beauty that I didn’t fully grasp until I lost it all and it wasn’t due to my children growing up.

I have a new struggle now. Many, actually. I struggle with wishing this difficult season to pass, to see the beauty in my son’s suffering. To not moan and complain with every.time.Zeke.wakes.up. in the middle of the night. I struggle with every meal I measure out for him. Constantly making sure he is content because when he’s not, it gets U-G-L-Y.

I desire to stop and see the beauty in the chaos. To be thankful that Zeke still smiles and shows joy. He gets excited when his siblings are near and hears the voice of grandparents. He laughs at the right time in cartoons and dances the best way he knows. And he’s strong. Ezekiel Todd Holt is the strongest person I have ever know. Truly.

Mommas and poppas, we have been given a gift and are called to something so great. To raise these sweet darlings (or help raise the darlings of the children in our lives, our communities) to be disciples of Christ. Not to be the best baseball player, musician, hardest worker, smartest, financially secure. These are not bad things, but they are not the most important things.

The enemy wants so badly for us to forget the truth in our calling:
To raise children who are not asking what they can receive, but what they can give. To not find excuses as to why they can’t do something good and right and true, but to make a way and stand up against the crowd.

So, how are we doing? When posts that are going viral sound like this and this, I can’t help but get discouraged. I totally “get” it, but it ends there. I’m done joining the masses in complaining and rolling our eyes to wisdom from those who have already gone through these chaotic stages of parenting. Let’s not enable our kids to have excuses anymore. Let’s help them find a way now, while they are still in our lives, our day to day.

And let’s embrace this time. It’s precious. And, it’s definitely not too late.

May we fight for our children through prayer, setting good examples, helping them see that through Christ, all things are possible. To #lovelikejesus.

Be encouraged that we have the power of the Holy Spirit to overcome any obstacle in our way. It’s more powerful than our anger, our personality flaws, our…anything.


For my sweet prayer warriors, tonight I send Cy, Eisley and Bexley to Toledo and I will take Zeke to Cincinatti Children’s for his second IVIG treatment tomorrow morning. Again, they say it takes 2-3 treatments before you see results, if any.

Nothing has worked so far…nothing. So, we pray this will but above all, we pray God’s kingdom come on earth, in Ezekiel’s body, as it is in heaven. For complete healing in Jesus’ name! We need God more than Dr.’s but we definitely need Dr.’s, too 😉

Thanks, friend! Feel free to leave comments below! They encourage me and my other readers! Blessings!


  • Reply July 29, 2013

    momma B

    If God be for us, who can be against us?

    • Reply August 1, 2013



  • Reply July 29, 2013


    Wishing your family all the best duribg this time.

  • Reply July 30, 2013

    Christen Biddlestone

    Praying you find the joy, peace and hope in this moment.

  • Reply July 30, 2013

    silverlinings momma

    you know we’re lifting you up!

  • Reply July 30, 2013


    What a heartfelt post, Breena. I can’t imagine how difficult this season is for your family. My heart aches for you all!! I will continue praying for you and Zeke. Thanks for the reminder to do so… Hugs.

  • Reply August 1, 2013


    Breena, I will continue to pray and will be calling all of the prayer warriors I know! I love you all, Aunt Jan

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