I have been dealing with some spiritual warfare as I feel God calling me to something that is challenging (to say the least), requires much reflection and quietness (ha!…aintnobodygottimeforthat) and constant steps of faith moving forward. And I’m excited and I think, “God…really? Is this from you?” Ya see, for 2 years the sense is getting stronger. I have quite the obstacle in front of me, but obstacles are laughable when we’re letting God lead.
I had this great conversation with Andy and we are sensing God bringing us together in a new way, through ministry and it excites us both. Not the same ministry…”Breena, the sometimes preacher
.” Yeah, no. 😉
I had to go and see Andy for lunch yesterday because I was on the verge of tears for 3 days in a row and I couldn’t figure out why…then I did. It is obvious God’s doing something and the enemy isn’t a fan. He’s working hard against my spirit.
I cried saying, “This isn’t from God! I’m so sad! It’s coming out of nowhere!”
Andy so sweetly grabbed my phone, looked up Ephesians 3 and read verses 14-31. A peace rushed over me but it is quickly taken away when I am not in the word or communicating to The Father through prayer. This is spiritual warfare, y’all.
Andy has always (since I have known him) known the way in which he was called and gifted as it was confirmed time and time again by highly respected people. Me? Well, I wanted to be a momma and support him as much as possible.
With my creative/artistic side, I found that being a momma may have been my first and most important dream, but I had other God-given gifts that I felt so starved from as I stayed at home with my little blessings. I still sometimes wish I had more time to paint, draw, design clothes, play guitar and sing but it’s a season that doesn’t give much time for that. I’m learning to bring it in whenever I can and be content with however little or much time I get.
The wisdom is: there will be a time…it isn’t right now but do not rush the season you are in. Instead grab ahold of it and soak up everything you can because…it will not last forever.
Side note : Yes, I disagree with all of the popular posts floating out there who are crankily telling us they don’t like being told this difficult season of being a parent in the early years goes so quickly and we need to stop wishing it away, etc., etc., etc. I’m over that trend. I could write a whole post on how over I am with cranky parent posts about this…so I’ll zip it.
Thankfully, I feel more at peace with who I am now than ever. I struggle sometimes, of course when I sense who I am in Christ doesn’t sit well with those around me. Feeling God call me to something that isn’t the nature of those watching isn’t easy, but I do it anyhow.
Why? To pridefully say, “I don’t care what you think…this is me. Take it or leave it?” No. I kind of hate these kinds of attitudes. I do it because when God calls me to something, I want to follow. I want to take steps of faith that require pushing aside fears, any worldly desires to be ‘liked’ and just plain not feeling worthy to be used by The Creator of the universe. The gospel is real and alive and I don’t know how God’s going to use me, but to be used is what I desire. And in the end, I answer to Him.
On our wedding day, almost 8 years ago in August, I chose to walk down the isle to, “I don’t want to go” by Avalon. It was meant to speak to God, of course, and to Andy. Wherever they were, I wanted to be there, too.
You changed my world,
When you came to me,
You drove a passion,
In my soul down deep.
Lord, to follow you in everything,
I don’t want to go somewhere,
If I know that your not there,
Cause I know that me without you,
Is a lie.
I don’t want to walk that road,
Be a million miles from home,
Cause my heart needs to be,
Where you are,
So I don’t want to go.
So come whatever,
I’ll stick with you,
I’ll walk, you lead me,
Call me crazy or a fool.
For forever I promise you that:
Without your touch,
Without your love,
Filling me like an ocean,
For your grace is enough,
Enough for me,
To never want to go somewhere,
If I know that your not there.
Who knew these lyrics would be so much more true today than 8 years ago? I sure didn’t marry Andy thinking it’d be such a difficult journey, but who marries anyone thinking that? I always tell him, though, that I wouldn’t want to do this life with anyone else. He really is perfect for me.
Enough with the mushy, eros-love stuff. 😉
For now, I take what I sense from God and I try to ‘perfect it’, if you will. How? By taking away more of me and inhaling more of Him. Apart from Him, I’m dirty and gritty and in much need of redemption. I rest in knowing, He is making all things new.