I hint a lot on here that I have this crazy amount of guilt towards my lack of relationship with my older two during this season we’re in. Guilt that comes from not being able to give them the love I want to through snuggles, laughing, going fun places, etc.
Cy and Eisley were my firsts. My first child and boy and then my first girl. I love all my children dearly but there is something about my firsts that have been ‘taken away’ from me in this season and I kind of hate it.
You also know that I struggle with anger. I hope no one thinks I go around throwing things, breaking walls, pounding my fists. ha! But, I do struggle with anger. It comes out in snapping at my kids to do exactly what I want when I want it. So, control. It comes when they do something wrong and I react in anger/fear that they’ll do that terrible thing again and not realize it as a true sin.< —-as if I, myself do not do this to God all the freakin’ time.
I do not laugh with them as much as I should or even as much as I want to. I have a hard time knowing when it’s okay to laugh at their silliness or if I should nip their “potty words’ in the bud because I know they’ll never stop. When they’re being silly, I have a hard time letting go and being silly with them even though I was the silliest, funniest girl growing up in my family and in my friend circle and I loved it…well, so do my kids. I hate that I take that joy from them.
Today I realized, it’s so much easier for me to take Cyrus and Eisley away from our day to day and get them out on dates when it’s just me and them. They’re such good kids and so I don’t feel the need to reprimand them. I don’t have the stresses of a needy 20-month-old or Zeke’s needs to cause my body at times, almost constant stress…I can just be with them. And it’s fun and we laugh and talk and I hope they see this as a way I am showing them love during this season.
I try so hard to work on loving them well in the day to day. But honestly, with the lack of order and control in my life, it’s just easier to tell the kids to just stop doing what they’re doing because they are fully capable to listen and obey. The problem is, this leaves little time to explain why they have to stop or why I got so angry. There isn’t time…it’s one thing after another. My brain is fried. I’m tired. I don’t think things through well…
So, I have to go back and apologize and remind them that the way I responded wasn’t the way God would and that I sinned against them. They are always so forgiving and put on a smile and we hug and cuddle. But like I”ve said before, I need to start being like God, to them. Now. I can say it all I want but they need to see it.
I have seen redemption. God’s brought me a long way but I have a long way to go, still. Maybe I’m being naive but I think of the day when Zeke is healthy again and I am given a second chance. A second chance at a life that I once complained about because I was so tired, wanted a creative outlet and to work somewhere just to ‘get away’ from the mommy thing once in awhile. And I will look at that life in a new light remembering that every day with these children is a blessing. Every time I’m woke up to puking children or a teething baby is a gift of extra moments with them. Moments to be God to them until they can see Him for themselves someday.
“God, forgive me for not embracing the gift of motherhood the way you intended, with my everything. For not seeing it as an undeserved gift to have 4 healthy children and sometimes even viewing it as a curse. For not realizing I’m not just raising children, but souls, to point them towards their Creator, the One who loved them first. God, you are good. You are strong. My I always rest in you in my weaknesses and be willing to be molded more into the woman you created me to be, in Your image. May I learn to define grace better for my kids through my actions the way You do for me all the time. I want to be a light to this world and have it reflect You so much that it would be crazy to others not to want to join on this journey with You.”
And, there is grace. I don’t know how my kids will turn out but I do know my prayer. That more than any worldly success or popularity, I desire they would continue to seek the Lord in this life they’ve been given.
I surprised the kids (and myself) and took them to see Monsters University last night. We had a good time. We ate junk food, stayed up late and the only rule was ‘have fun!’. It was a really good movie! Highly recommend it!
I also took them to the Farmer’s Market this morning. I haven’t been able to take them in awhile and I really do love when I can or when I’m not in need of a “stayin’ sane Saturday” out by myself 😉
Just keeping it real over here at BreeLoverly!