I have heard anything from, “You can’t go through the fire and come out praising God the same way.” to “The only way to look when you are that far down is up (to God, that is).”
These two have been very true, for the most part for me. There was this one time though, probably 6-8 months ago I called my mother-in-law telling her that I was done following a God that would let my son keep having seizures and continue to dwindle in front of my eyes. I was completely done. I couldn’t keep giving my everything to Him anymore because it was a complete and utter fight against my flesh to ‘not worry”, ‘not fear’, or to not completely loose my sanity while being told to just ‘trust God’.
She let me be right where I was. She told me she understood. She cried on the other end probably wishing she could take this pain from me, from her son and of course, from Ezekiel.
I told God, “You know what?! I’m DONE! You want me…yeah, come and find me. You really want me to follow you? Pursue me.I’m tired of this.” < — How’s that for respect?! Eek!
Within hours, I received verses from friends that were so right on with who God really was in all of this. I wasn’t able to accept it as complete and full truth (if I am being honest) because I wasn’t “there” yet. I had a ways to go but sometimes, obeying and pursuing something that you know is true is good enough. And being where I am now, I see that God is faithful to help us get to a place where we can totally believe, something that we do not totally accept for all that it is, as truth, even in the midst of chaos. Clear as mud? Good.
Well, after all of that pursuing from God, I was kind of annoyed with Him. I wanted to yell more, but my heart was softening. I could feel Him coming along side me sorrowful. I knew He cared and hated watching me go through all of this, but He wasn’t changing…I was.
I was about 12 hours into leaving God and one more phone call to real me back in, from a good friend of mines mom who wanted to hear my heart. She let me be where I was, too. She didn’t tell me I was being weak. She said things like, “Yes, you are in the fire.” or “The enemy is trying to get you down.”
She ended the conversation with with much encouragement. Reminding me that I am at war against the enemy. To put on the full armor of God and to be a witness to my children who are seeing this all unfold as well. To help them see Jesus’ strength in my weakness. It was soooo good. I truly felt like I was getting ready for battle. It was truly a word from the Lord though her.
Today, many tears, dr. visits, med changes,and hope crushing later, I truly trust God. I can say that I do not worry, I do not fear for my God is with me, us and especially, Zekey boy.
I nip those feelings above, that are not from God, in the bud…I know they take me to a place that isn’t where I find strength, truth or hope.
I have actually come to a place (God gets all the glory…anything less is pure foolishness) where I keep asking for more faith. I want to trust God fully. I only have so much time to become more like Jesus in this trial (in this lifetime, really), before my sweet boy gets healed and I want to eat it up for all He has for me! Why not?! I’m here anyway! Why not, in the midst of our trials, try to become more like Jesus?!
Here is my point. I am not forced to look to God in this time just because it’s so bad and we are deep in a valley. I am not without choice in how I respond to this hell on earth as I wait for His kingdom come.But, I have turned away (for about 12 hours) and it was hopeless. There was anger and frustration and this world and what it was became a death sentence. I had no where to turn. It was like I was alone, wandering on my own and I just had no where to go. Yuck.
The wisdom is to keep the faith, to press on and learn more of who God is in these dark times. Because, He is very much there and we see Him more when we realize our need for Him.
He’s always there, right? He isn’t there for us more or less depending on how our lives look. It comes down to us and how much we allow ourselves to see Him. When life is easy, we tend to keep Him up on a shelf where He is still viewed but not as focal point.
Any good I showcase to you as you read this is truly only me becoming more like Him. Sure, I’m obeying as I keep saying Yes to Him, trusting Him now more than ever for who He says He is. I trust in His healing over Zeke. I trust He is bringing much good out of our bad. I trust that He is going through this with us and hasn’t left. But, it’s God giving me more faith as I ask. It’s Him, not me.
We made it to Zeke’s appointment on Thursday to see a new neurologist in Cincinnati. Zeke has much of the symptoms of Dravet Syndrome and the dr. is confident he should start treating him (with proper meds) as if that is what Zeke has as we wait for the diagnoses through blood tests.
You can read more about this lovely (sarcasm) “almost” diagnosis here.
I told God, before the dr. visit that I wanted more faith and to trust God no matter what. And He is testing our faith as we hear this devastating news. I let myself cry for about 2 minutes and quickly gathered myself.
“Wait, what? This diagnosis is just a way that God will get more glory in Zeke’s full healing. Is God not capable of healing Zeke from even this?! Hello!!!! God.is.able.”
I really did have this conversation out loud, basically talking to myself. And it’s the craziest thing in the world to let go of something that, to this world would seem like a death sentence. For us but especially for Zeke.
I’s like I can see God, as He was in my dream, ushering me to keep trusting even though I have no idea what is ahead. What is ahead looks scary but I keep walking, blind step of faith by blind step of faith, trusting in The One who is trustworthy.
So, we have. We have not worried about it and we continue to pray all while believing and waiting for Zeke’s complete healing. Denial? It truly is not. I am not denying how big of a diagnosis this is and I am not in denial of what this could mean for our family.
What I am doing is letting “God be God.” I am letting Him reign in my heart, not the fears of this diagnosis. It’s so freeing! It’s so not normal! I’m loving it!!!
This was timely. : Trust Enough
Thank you for praying with us. God bless you. (I’m exhausted, per usual so as always…extra grace in my grammar is strongly encouraged.) 😉