I love spontaneity. Life doesn’t really allow for much of it but when it does, it reminds me of a simpler life and I get excited. The more life throws, the less time or energy I seem to have for this fun noun-of-a-word. It just makes the times I do have, sweeter.
A random text asking to go out on a free evening with a beloved friend. A random “I love you” from dear ones. A voice mail telling me I’m a great mother and encouraging me when I feel a failure. A voice mail from my sister asking if she and her kids could come (from Toledo) and hang out for the afternoon, that same day!
This happened Monday. I was thrilled it wasn’t just a “hey! How are ya? Just calling to chat.” kind of voice mail. It was so much better! I called her back and said, “come on down!”
The cousin-friends played as my sister and I were able to get some quality time chatting away. It was loverly. Zeke, on the other hand, was doing terribly. His seizures seemed almost constant and he was falling often. At the end of the night we ended up giving him diastat to stop the seizures because his routine med dose wasn’t doing anything (which had never happened before). It was the right thing to do.
We decided that waiting until his appointment in Cincinnati the following Thursday was going to be too far away. So, I rode with my sister to Toledo with all my kids but Cyrus (so he could attend school) and waited for his seizures to come back.
I felt so guilty once I realized I was actually waiting for his seizures to come back. It was routine for seizures to be completely gone for a day after the diastat but they always come back, and they did. But it’s not my responsibility, as a daughter of the king, to wait for the worst.
So some of you say, “But you know his routine, do not feel bad.” And I must reply with the above. It’s worth it to be a fool for God. It always is. I want to believe in the things only He can bring. Ezekiel’s healing.
The week was good. I was so blessed by family all around. The joy that great-grandpa Bill brings with his laughter at even the most annoying things my kids do (at least this tired momma thinks so). He is blessed by their presence. He thinks rightly when they are around and it’s a great reminder of the joy I need to focus on instead of thinking how I can’t be the mother I want to be to them because of our current state of life.
I let this thought rule my head and it makes me angry and it ends up showing to be that they annoy me, when really, I just want to be free to love on them and cuddle them whenever I am reminded of what a blessing they are. But a sickly son, or their brother doesn’t allow for this spontaneity and I have to learn to call out my true feelings so I can respond correctly. I’m not really mad…I am really sad. Thanks, great-grandpa Bill!
I have heard some of you tell me that I need to let my true feelings show. It’s healthy. Let me tell you, I do. But I have learned that going down a path of thinking of the way life isn’t and compare to how life is, turns to chaos. Hope seeps away, lies and fears make their way to become “truth” and Jesus is no longer on the thrown in my heart. I have booted Him.
But what I have learned, with these feelings that do creep in at times is to take them right up to Him. They are NOT mine to carry because they are far too much for me bare. And He is willing every time and every time I am so relieved.
And with the quickness of my giving to them, I can talk to Him on what is true. I can tell Him my heart’s desire for my son and all of my kids. He hears them and that brings comfort. I can now also pray believing for my friends and their sadness and illness in their kids. I boldly approach The Thrown knowing who I present these requests to is fully capable to bring healing and He is pleased with our faith.
I don’t know about His timing but one thing I do know is that He is continuing to use our (and yours!) story and hardship to not only bring us closer to Him, but to use it to bring others to Him. How amazing and humbling and exciting is that?! People are hearing The Gospel through this story and that, my friends, helps me wait patiently. God has a plan and sees fit to continue to use us and as long as He sees fit, I can just draw nigh to my Savior, lifting up my burdens and others’ as well.
We didn’t take Zeke to UofM as planned because there was no need. He has been given a higher dose of meds and for the most part, seizures are controlled. As in, he isn’t have thousands a day.
Life is too hard to handle on our own. This situation with our son is too difficult to handle without God. So, know that anything we have done that is “good” during this time is only because of Jesus. I have no desire to take the glory as it’s just not mine to take.
Thank you for your encouraging words and for your prayers. You bless us so! Your comments make me happy and will bless us as we look back and read on this time when it’s all over. When Ezekiel is fully healed. So, please, I encourage you to share your thoughts or prayers in the comments section below.