Do you ever do something that you feel compelled to do, maybe even a sense from God, but have no idea what it is that’s going to come of it? Currently doing this now. I apologize in advance.
I am really good at being afraid. Too much of what I do stems from my fear. My biggest areas of sin come from a deeper part of my soul. Fear at it’s finest…er, worst.
My mother, who is a beautiful soul (and happens to be one hot grammy!) is always quick to quote scripture when I am low and gloomy about our current situation. It used to bother me so much as a teenager. I HATED it with everything in me, and now, I can’t have enough of her wise words! It’s food for my soul and happens to be, well, complete Truth from our Heavenly Father.
One thing she has said to me during this time in our lives quite a few times is, “Ask God what he’s trying to show you. Is there an area of sin that you need to recognize and change? Is there wisdom He’s trying to share with you?”
It’s not that she is blaming me for what’s going on. It’s more like, during trials, God wants to mold us more into who were are meant to be. He has bigger plans than just sitting up on a cloud, watching us suffer. When we hurt, He hurts. So, why not take advantage and soak up any learning or wisdom through our suffering? (Because I want to wallow in my sorry and say, “woe is me”!, thank you very much!)
Slowly, over the last few nights, I have had time to just be still and ask God what areas of sin he wanted to reveal to me. Sin that maybe I didn’t even know existed. Or maybe, I just needed a revelation of how hurtful my sin was to those around me. It was both, of course.
As I have prayed our whole married life (which in my case pretty much means married and mothering life) to be more like the proverbs 31 woman (so cliche, I know) but couldn’t keep up with her as I kept popping out children every 20 months and then having to learn to adjust all over again. I realized that this time, right now(!) was the time I could really work on areas of my life that didn’t reflect her. Ya know, the proverbs 31 woman, who didn’t really exist…I will refrain from getting all theological on ya right now.
Although I thought during the last 7 years I have not had time to be more like her, God was working on me and I can confidently say I am more like her now than I was as a newly wed. My efforts to be like her while only seeing my failure were not the key ingredients to actually being more like her. It was God’s work on my heart and my godly desire that made me who I am today. Ah, pressure off. PTL!
This trial we face, as a family, is pulling out the yuck in my heart and forcing me to face fears that I didn’t even know existed. Such as being organized and on top of things. Seriously! You try putting your epileptic son on a diet that, if done wrong or if the perfect ration is thrown off at any given time throughout the day will cause his seizures to get worse or come back! No thank you! Is there room for growth? Psh, yeah! But I’m closer than I was before!
We are church shopping and ya’ll know how fun that is! Add a very gifted preacher/teacher husband and a child with special needs/epilepsy in the mix and then you can see how much of a party this is! ha!
In this area, I have to just trust God through my husband to find us a church that teaches the scripture well and can handle Zeke. (Yes, I have an opinion and he cares what I think…no feminist comments, please!) 😉
As I stay home with Zeke every week while Andy takes the other 3 I have to let go of control and the things I want and do not want in a church. Not easy. Seriously, last week I started rambling, “I do NOT want to go to a church that…” Oh, and “If they —–, I’m not going.” And, “I don’t want to go to a mega church but I do want it to be like the church in Ipswich, MA that we finally found at the end.” etc, etc.
Then, I stopped and realized, I wasn’t trusting my husband to hear my desires and apply that to the church we will attend. Instead, I demanded my wants and needs like a cosumer and didn’t give my husband any respect or authority. I was fearful of what was ahead, of past “stuff” happening again and putting Zeke in someone else’s care.
What I really need is to to sit in a pew with my husband and soak up God’s truth. If that’s being a consumer, then sign me up for a season! Our family is in a season of “being served” and I must humbly accept it.
I apologized and off he went to a church he really liked and so, we will all go together next week and see how it goes
Anger is my specialty. My anger can be great and it ALWAYS stems from fear. I never have time to think about that fear because I am really awesome at reacting at whatever happened out of my control before I take a breath and consider what is true about the situation.
Well, seizures. Although I have tried to avoid obstacles left and right, they are out of my control. Yes, I can (and gosh dang it I am!) do things to help control them for Zeke’s sake but just when I think things are good, I get all prideful and comfortable and God shows me that, ultimatly, it’s all in His hands, not mine. Must let go of fear and control, and give my son back over to the God who created him.
Putting Zeke to bed is by far the hardest thing I have to do, right now. He does the most annoying things you could ever put together. Smacking his lips, putting his fingers in your ear (it’s weird, I know), hitting and kicking, scratching. It’s the meds, people…it’s not his fault but put all of my buttons into one and you have “Putting Zeke to bed.” I.get.so.angry. We also don’t sleep well so add exhaustion to this equation and it can get ugly.
While laying in bed next to Zekey, I literally have to say out loud about a hundred times, “die to self, die to self.” Then, I picture myself doing all the things Zekey is doing, but to God. I know God doesn’t react in anger or lash out in fear at my lack of faith, my kicking and screaming, my demands, my…”woe is me, God!!!” So, I also have to remember to be “Jesus” to Zeke. Love, Love, LOVE!!!! Simple, right? ha!
But, I have to put Zeke to bed and usually 2 times a day, so getting that angry that often isn’t good for anyone. God is teaching me, in the most annoying of spaces to learn to control my anger, practice the presence of God and bring restoration and redemption in this nasty area of sin in my life. I can humbly say it is spilling out into other areas of my life that I struggle with anger/control and need this attention, too. Kinda cool! Kinda freakin’ hard…
Okay, I think I shared enough of my sin and how I am in much need of Jesus every hour of every day! Feeling better about yourself, yet? haha!!
Zeke update: His “good” days, where his seizures are more under control than ever are becoming more consistent. He is more alert and is smiling and laughing again. He isn’t shaky and falling all the time. He seems to be enjoying life again which is a miracle in and of itself. His ketosis is usually high with exception of the mornings which we cannot figure out but of course I have asked God to pour out wisdom and I think I have a lead as to why 😉
This momma never stops putting together the puzzle to getting Zekey’s seizures under control. What I do need to remember is that all of the good and even the bad, ultimately isn’t in my hands. As I give my Zekey over to God, pray for healing and restoration, I give all glory to Him. He loves Zekey more than I could ever, even as his momma. And that, my friends, brings true peace.
Today, Zeke went to preschool for his first day. This day krept up on me because all of my efforts haven’t been into making sure his bookbag and papers and outfit is ready for the big day. No, I have just been trying to save my son. And now, as he is better than ever, I give him over to other people that could never love him the way I do but are very passionate about helping kids like Zeke develop more in line with his peers.
It’s not easy thinking that for 2.5 hours, 4 days a week I will be giving over Zekey. But, they are equipped to handle him even if he does have a seizure that requires medical attention. They have a nurse on staff and even his teacher has a sister who had a very similar situation as Zeke and she is comfortable having him around. God prepared all of this for us in advance and I am eternally thankful.
So, here are some pictures for you to enjoy. I need to go and sob until I pick him up in a half hour.
He was very excited all morning and that was confusing to me because it’s like he knew what we were talking about. It’s hard to tell what your child can actually understand when they cannot communicat verbally.
I dropped him off and he went right in and started playing! He’s in school right now! He’s not dragging me to go outside and push the lawn mower! CRAZY!!!!! We shall see how he did 😉
Please, keep praying for Ezekiel’s healing and restoration and for God’s will to be done. Thank you!!!