It’s been about a month since my last post. I read it and I love to think where I was emotionally. Again, ‘looking back and wishing’ which gets us no where.
I just have to get this off of my chest. I want you all to know that I don’t always feel that way. I don’t always believe Zeke will be healed in Jesus’ name.
Sometimes I look at the facts and say, “There’s no way…I mean, it’d have to be a miracle for him to be healed.” As if it ever wouldn’t be a miracle for Zeke to be healed.
Sometimes, I yell at God. I yell at him when I am up one of 6 times a night nursing, or when Andy storms out of bed to get Zeke back to sleep at 1 am and then again at 3.
Sometimes, I tell God or Andy (in anger), “I can’t do it anymore and I feel stuck and I hate our life!” I tell him I hate that God thinks I can handle all of this because I F-ing cannot.
Sometimes, I even say the F word. So there.
Sometimes I tell God to get over himself and all His glory he needs through Zeke and just heal him! I know…everyone take a step back so the lightning doesn’t strike you, too.
Sometimes I talk to my mom everyday and make her talk to me for an hour as I cry to her about my latest lack of faith so she will fill me up with wisdom. That amazing woman…
Sometimes I yell at everyone all day because of every freakin’ thing going on in our lives that feels like a nice, tall stack of trials.
Sometimes I have to go to my kids every.single.night. and beg for them to forgive me *again* because I have let anger and fear and anxiety rule in my heart which leaves no room for love.
Sometimes I forget to go to them in forgiveness and I and they are worse off.
Sometimes I think of what would happen if I just drove off and started a new life. Not to find some other hot guy and have more babies. HA! Nope. Just to be. To do what I want and not have to worry about anyone but myself.
Sometimes I want Ember church to be done.
Sometimes I tell Andy he has had our whole marriage to pursue his dream and calling and say to him, “It’s my turn.”
I need Jesus. I need a heart change. I need constant reminder that God has a perfect plan and what we see in Ezekiel or any other trail we face right now, is so small compared to all the details He’s working out.
All of these thoughts I “sometimes” have, creep in when I miss a day, 3 days, 2 weeks and as you see, a month of getting into God’s word daily. How do I expect to have the fuel I need to live a godly life if I am