When Zeke had his first seizure back in May, I truly thought it was a fluke and it would never happen again. Then it did, about a month later and it was scary as it was more intense and lasted longer. After his second seizure, we had gone over a month without a seizure which brought me much hope.
One day a few weeks ago while visiting Andy at work, I looked back at Zeke and he wasn’t acting his normal self. Slow to respond, he seemed out of it. This is usually how he acts right before he goes into full seizure mode. So I payed close attention to him and tried to convince Andy that he wasn’t ‘alright’. It was so faint that it was hard to say. He snapped out of it and I took the kids back home.
Later, I realized I had forgotten to give him his meds that morning, but I had forgotten once before and he wasn’t affected. I called the dr. not really knowing if it was a seizure I saw but I wanted them to record it.
That week was busy because close friends of ours were getting married. We were helping them out a lot and Andy, Cyrus, Eisley and I were all in the wedding. So, although a fun week, it was a crazy-busy week, too.
Like the saint she is, my momma came into town Thursday-Sunday to watch Zeke and Bexley so we could make the most of enjoying this wedding and celebrate it without the need to get back to the ‘sitter’. Grammies are great for that kind of thing because the kids get extra cuddles and special attention and this gal gets quality time with her amazing momma.
Sunday morning came and Zeke hadn’t gotten his meds the night before and we thought we’d be okay to give it to him the next morning just like we had been told. I mean, who wants to wake a sleeping Zeke?! Anyone?! Nope!
I woke up with the kids the next morning and started to make pancakes. It was 8 am and I loved watching Zeke as he seemed so sweet and fun and just content. It made me take a little longer to give him his meds because I wondered if his meds were turning him into someone he isn’t. That and I had 4 hungry children to feed and so I thought, ‘I will give it to him as soon as I serve everyone.’
Just as I finished making the pancakes and started to serve the kids, I see Zeke start to go ‘out of it’. I go to pick him up and hold him. Soon after, he went into full seizure mode.
For Zeke, this is basically his eyes going up into his head, up to the left and sometimes blinking. Eventually, it becomes difficult for him to breathe and he starts to drool while his lips turn purple and his face white from lack of oxygen. His body doesn’t twitch, he has control of his body other than what I have described. They call his complex-partial seizures.
I start praying out loud and I look up at the clock. My heart is pounding, then I realize it’s been 5 minutes and scream for Andy and my mom to wake up and call 911. It was time to use the Diastat which is a suppository to help stop the seizure.
It took awhile for it to kick in and he started to loose oxygen as he always does, eventually. His lips turned purple and his face white as a ghost. The scariest thing in the world is praying for your son as you watch him stare up at you, struggling to breathe. This is not the first time I had seen this, but it was Andy’s.
I rocked him and gave him over to God through my prayers. I begged God not to take my boy away from me. I begged for God to heal Zekey and to bring him out of the seizure.
Eisley and Cyrus came up crying and said, “Is Zeke going to die?!” and I told them to go downstairs and pray. So, they sat on the basement steps crying and praying for their little brother.
After about 10 minutes, he finally came out of it and cried himself to sleep.
We were taken away in an ambulance and rushed to Children’s. He slept about an hour, which is normal for someone who has just had a seizure.
Looking back, it was foolish of me to wait so long to give him his meds but I don’t blame myself for daydreaming of life the way it was. Life where Zeke was just a boy we were waiting on to talk and there were no seizures. Life where we had 4 healthy children…so we thought.
Sometimes I cant help but wonder how his meds are effecting him. Does he get headaches that he can’t tell me about? Do they make him sleepy or cranky? It kills me a bit but I can’t dwell on those things….
Actually, there are a lot of things I should not dwell on because they are completely out of my control. His seizures and when the next one will strike, his speech and development and if he’ll ever be a ‘typical’ child. Right now, it’s not looking too promising. It will take a miracle for Zeke to talk and develop along side with his peers. He’s just too far behind.
So, do I accept it for what it is and say, “Well, at least he is….” Or “Well, at least he doesn’t…” and leave the possibilities for real healing to happen on the sideline?
In no way am I meaning to judge those who go right to that kind of response because not long ago, about a year ago to be exact, I was one of those people. A miracle to me was, well, ‘something that only happened in the bible’.
My eyes have been graciously opened to all that God can do through the power he gives us with the Holy Spirit. Why push that aside for fear that He won’t come through in healing Zeke, or that I will look or sound crazy? Maybe it’s fear that I will make healing an idol over God himself.
So, I have taken my desire for Zeke to be healed in Jesus’ name to God many times and as I read more of God’s word, I am conviced that healings are a part of who God is through us (a part, not the most important or even necessary for salvation). I will not shun Zeke’s healing. Not out of fear and simply because, I have a sweet boy who needs God’s healing hand and I will pray till my dying days that God would hear my cry and bless us with a miracle in Zeke.
Luke 18:1-8 NLT
Parable of the Persistent Widow
18 One day Jesus told his disciples a story to show that they should always pray and never give up. 2 “There was a judge in a certain city,” he said, “who neither feared God nor cared about people. 3 A widow of that city came to him repeatedly, saying, ‘Give me justice in this dispute with my enemy.’ 4 The judge ignored her for a while, but finally he said to himself, ‘I don’t fear God or care about people, 5 but this woman is driving me crazy. I’m going to see that she gets justice, because she is wearing me out with her constant requests!’”
6 Then the Lord said, “Learn a lesson from this unjust judge. 7 Even he rendered a just decision in the end. So don’t you think God will surely give justice to his chosen people who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? 8 I tell you, he will grant justice to them quickly! But when the Son of Man[a] returns, how many will he find on the earth who have faith?”
Another way Jesus tells us to pray is in the Lord’s Prayer.
9“This, then, is how you should pray:
“”Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
10your kingdom come,
your will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven.
11Give us today our daily bread.
12And forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
13And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from the evil one.
For yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen.”
I never really took much thought to “your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.”
God’s will is heaven. For all brokenness, as we know our world today from The Fall of Adam and Eve, to be made whole. Our bodies will be in a glorified state. There will be no spot or blame, no tears, no disease, nothing that brings our hearts or bodies discomfort. Heaven, and all it’s glory, is God’s will.
No, it’s not God’s will for Zeke to be developmentally delayed and to have seizures. Today he has them and today, I will choose to ask for God’s kingdom to come in Ezekiel’s’ body, here on earth, before he gets to heaven.
The tension in the Lord’s Prayer is between the already, or what is, and the not yet.
Colleen York, who I was blessed to find and now follow via Twitter and is always tweeting truth and encouragement, said this the other day, “It is what it is. But that doesn’t mean it can’t be changed.”
I have no idea what her intent was for saying that, but it was one more boost of encouragement I needed, to keep on pressing into God, my heavenly father, Jesus, my savior and king, the Holy Spirit who lives inside me giving me all I need to live a godly life and BELIEVE that God will heal Ezekiel Todd Holt.
We stand fully in faith as we pray for Zeke believing that God will heal him. I want my trust in God to be so great that I pray fervently for the kingdom to come in Ezekiel’s body and wait expectantly and not loose hope. That the redeemed work in Christ’s resurrection come now.
Today I am thankful for the little miracles in Zeke’s development. Learning to kick a ball, learning how to nod his head ‘yes’ and shake his head ‘no’. Saying “I love you” in a very abstract way to Jesus in prayer. I am thankful that he is full of life through his smiles and hugs, and that his tender heart is concerned for those who cry. I am thankful for Cyrus and Eisley who also pray believing in God’s healing hand. They want Ezekiel to talk so badly. It’s so precious.
And I truly believe Ezekiel wants to talk. So we wait, with expectant hearts believing in the God who created him. We keep praying and never stop believing.
To God be the glory forever! Amen.
You can read my hubby’s version, here.