In His Hands

 It all started on October 16th, 2005.  The day I found out I was pregnant with my firstborn child (1.5 months after getting married!).  The idol of motherhood (that actually may have started back when I was a little girl) crept in and took a nice, cozy place in my heart.

 We were blessed with a sweet baby boy on June 14th, 2006 and my world was rocked.  I fell so in love that nothing else mattered.  Sweet right?  Keep reading.

 When Cyrus was just weeks old, I had this very vivid dream where I was holding Cyrus in my arms running as I had this fear of what God could do to him.  God was this big storm cloud and it was dark, raining and I had Cyrus safely in my arms under an umbrella running.  Running from God.  “Cyrus is MINE!  Don’t you DARE take him away!”

Twenty-one months later, I gave birth to my sweet Eisley Bree.  A girl!  I was thrilled!  A boy and a girl usually means one stops having babies…but not in my house!  I wanted more!  More!!!

Zekey boy was born 22 months later…Yes!  A brother for Cyrus!  I really wanted Cy to have a brother because Andy never experienced that.

And then, surprise!  Bexley Jane arrived 23 months after that! 2 boys and 2 girls!  Perfect!  And DONE!

Who knew it?  God did.  God knew my children were an idol in my life.  Andy may have seen it as well.  Actually, he probably felt it more than anything.  Sweet guy.  I’m happy to say he’s my number 2 again…God has graciously brought me to a place where I desire my husband more than my children.  They are a close 3rd, of course 😉

On May 15th, I had a very vivid dream.  Basically, I was in a war zone and there were darts on fire being shot at me.  There was only rubble where I knew my kids had been.  I remember praying, “Jesus, no matter what, my kids are in YOUR hands.  Please take care of them.” not knowing if I’d ever see them alive again.  Then I woke up.  I remembered the dream and thought to myself, “Okay…something’s going to happen.”

May 17th (Almost exactly one year after when THIS happened), my world was rocked.  I was in Toledo for the weekend.  My 4 kids and I,  my sister Mandy with her 3 kids and my mom went to the Toledo Zoo.  That morning, I was given the lovely opportunity to sleep in while my in-laws took care of the older three.  It was time and I packed up the kids and headed to the zoo.

It’s crazy with 4 kids, but completely fun and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.  So crazy, that I have no idea how Zekey was feeling that morning.  All I know is that we walked into the Zoo, went into the Polar bear exhibit and Zekey had a seizure.

At the time, I had no idea what was happening, just that he was blinking quickly, turning his head in toward the stroller and not responding to me.  Then he went limp.  Again, all I knew was that he was limp, his lips were purple and I screamed for help.  I took him out of the exhibit, I felt numb, prayed over Zekey out loud (when my dream came to my mind) as my mom ran for help.  Mandy took Cyrus and Eisley, my mom took Bexley and I went into an ambulance with Zekey boy.

I was praying over him, he was coming in and out of consciousness and because he had fallen 3 times that week, there was a fear it was from a concussion.  After we (finally!) got to the hospital, they took him away from me and into trauma.  I had NO idea what was going on, just that I didn’t know if I was ever going to see my sweet baby boy alive again.  Dramatic?  Maybe.  But I had no details.  Just fears and a sense that I needed to give my boy over to Jesus.

After they poked him and such, he woke up screaming so they knew they didn’t need to do a surgery.  I talked with the dr. and it was clear that what happened was Zekey had a seizure.

A seizure?!  What?!  Why did he have a seizure?!  What did this mean?!  Of course my mind was racing with questions but no one had any answers.  Did he have a fever that morning that caused it?

Then until June7th, I have had intense anxiety about Zeke and Bexley.  Fears that Zeke would never talk, that he has more problems going on than just a speech delay and that Bexley would also have all of these problems as well.  I began looking for signs of developmental delays and would make diagnoses in my head and convinced myself and tried convincing those around me of these made-up diagnoses.

I would feel this urge to go to the internet numerous times a day and anxiety would grip on to reality and squish it like a bug and I couldn’t tell the two apart.

I have never had to cry out to God so many times during a day as I have been over the last few weeks.  Praying over Ezekiel and Bexley, praying that God would take away the lies from Hell, praying that I’d give my kids over to God as they are not mine, but His.

It’s been SO difficult, but so good.  God has been my rock, Jesus has been my king and the Holy Spirit has been ever present.  My kids are praying for each other, they see my crying out to God and they hear the need I have for him.

Through this time God has shown me his strength, love and understanding.  The theme that God continued to use during this time, whether through conversations, people praying for me, random texts and even a a song coming on was this, “My life is in His Hands”.

All of the above was written before Zeke’s second seizure.  On June 6th, I received a packet in the mail all about seizure’s and what to look for “the next time he had one”.  I was SO upset!  I called my mom bawling saying, “Mom, I don’t want him to have another one!  I have to believe he’ll be healed!  I never want something so scary to happen ever again!”

Well, it did.  The next day, June 7th we were potty-training and so I was watching Zeke like a hawk all day.  I look up to see Zeke acting a little weak and grabbing onto the chair.  I go over to him, pick him and and try to give him water.  I take him into the other room and he begins to go out of it and the seizure begins. He was not responding.  I call Andy, then the dr. and because he was having difficulty breathing, I then called 911.  Shortly after, while Zeke was still having the seizure, I text a “group message” on my phone not really knowing who was all in it.  I asked them to come and help me. 

The cool thing was, I knew what to do.  Well, kind of.  I knew to pray.  I knew that Zeke was in God’s hands, even as I watched him stop breathing, then start back up again all while his lips turned purple.  I knew to keep telling him Jesus was with him and that I loved him very much.

Zeke had a 12-15 minute long seizure.  It really pisses me off that no one informed me, not even his Pediatrician I had met with to discuss Zeke’s seizure the day before, that if a seizure lasts more than 5 minutes, the odds of it ending on its own are slim.

After the paramedics came and took a look at him (and Zekey came out of it crying), they offered to take him to Children’s.  Since our friends all came right away (that’s agape love, ya’ll!!!) I knew Andy and I could take Zeke in together and leave the other 3 at home.

It was a blow to the face when the neurologist said, “Whenever 2 unprovoked seizures occur, they are considered epileptic).  Wow.  My sweet boy has epilepsy?  I was numb and had SO many questions.

The amazing thing was, after getting all of my many questions answered, I had and have more hope now than ever that Zekey will be healed!  I have to believe it.  I have to believe that he’ll talk someday but maybe not as soon as I want.

Zeke is still receiving speech therapy once a week and it is going well!  Slow results, but good ones!  Help Me Grow has been the biggest blessing in my life in the last while.  They are amazing and they really love my kids…especially Zekey boy.

And with the way I described Zekey’s seizure, the Neurologist thinks that the part of the brain that is having the seizure (his seizures are called complex partial seizures) is the part of the brain that controls speech.  So, in due time, I believe his brain with develop and Zekey will be seizure free and catching up for lost time talking my ear off! 😉

 Seizures or no seizures, talking or not, Zeke is a sweet, sweet boy.  He’s curious and funny and LOVES to make people laugh.  I couldn’t love this boy more than I do.  What a blessing to be his mother!

So, there you have it!  You’re all caught up on our crazy lives over here.  I have been avoiding my blog for this reason…I wasn’t ready to accept it, but it’s all a part of our story and I embrace it knowing my life, my children, are all in God’s hands.

And the idol of being a mother is melting away as I give my kids back over to God (daily!).  And heaven seems a little sweeter and I desire it more during those times when I am crying or anxious or afraid of the future…because there will be no tears, anxieties or brokenness in heaven. 

Until next time…

Me and Zekey on the tire swing and my in-laws in Toledo.

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