Today was such a blessed day. For starters, Andy woke up with Zeke and took him downstairs at the loverly hour of 5:30 a.m. Zeke’s new wake-up time. Awesome, I know.
When Andy takes Zeke, he always comes back upstairs after feeding the kids breakfast at 8 am to wake me up and tell me what else needs to be done (whilst I am still 1/2 asleep) and heads into the shower.
If I am not the one to wake up with Zeke, it is at this time when Andy wakes me up that I immediately fill up with anxiety for the day.
“Will Zeke have a siezure? Is he going to get all the body massages he needs (that’s a part of his therapy). Will he get enough time pushing things around? Will he regress in his sounds? Will Cyrus and Eisley feel left out? Will I get any time with them? Will Andy come home to a messy house? Will I always let anger be my first reaction?! “
Oh, it’s insane! Once this external processor (me!) shuts up long enough to get a frikin’ grip I have to say out loud, “God, I can’t do this all and more! Please! I need your help today! Holy Spirit, fill me up!”
My prayer doesn’t make me feel all warm and tingly inside, but what it does do is reminds me who is ever present, who is for me, who created me and my babies and who.is.in.control.
Today, and almost every day since Zeke’s first seizure, I get all sad and anxious when Andy starts to give all the kids kisses goodbye. It’s as if my insides are screaming, “Help me! Don’t leave! I can’t do this without you! This is too hard!”
But he still leaves and smiles and wishes us all a good day. And I am thankful for that but even more thankful for a God who doesn’t leave. In the end, no one or nothing can fill me up or satisfy me the way my heavenly father can. His love is strong. His power is great. His mystery is never-ending.
This leads me to my always asking in my head question, “How do people go through life and all that it brings without Jesus?”
I am not saying living for Jesus is a walk in the park, but life is frikin’ hard sometimes and I literally do not know if I could do it without him. My life without Jesus sounds so lonely. I think I’d be asking questions all the time but, I wouldn’t get answers…
With Jesus, I can always rest in the truth of the Gospel.
Okay, on with my day…
I finished a blog post this morning but felt guilty the whole time I was writing. My good day didn’t really start then, but we’re getting there, I promise!
I love writing posts but I had to let the kids watch t.v. in order to get it finished and I get all anal when it comes to my kids watching too much t.v., especially Zeke. I have all of this pressure to get more “pathways” going in Zeke’s brain and although the only t.v. I let them watch is educational, I still feel guilty.
Before Andy left I said to him, “You know, when you leave I have to go from a state of fear and sadness and switch over to getting my day and the kid’s day going. I have to literally do a switch in my brain and heart and everywhere else in order to get out of a slump. It’s really hard but when I do, we have so much fun!”
And so, after I posted the blog post, it was time to do the switch. It was good. We read in James 1. I focused on God’s promise to bless us when we endure temptation. Then we talked about what temptation is…I used the, “hot cookies on the counter but can’t touch them because momma said” as an example and of course that was a flop. Questions came a flowin’, “Well why didn’t you let us have the cookies?” or “Did we get the cookies when they cooled off?” hahahaha! So we tried another 😉
We also talked about what it is we are tempted to do most and then prayed to God to help us. Mine? Anger. I like to react lots these days. I am very open about it with my kids and they are right back (ha!) so at least we’ve got something going right… 😉
Next we went outside. Lots of jumping and wagon-pulling and neighbor-talkin’ going on.
Lunch was simple. Oatmeal and honey. No fruit (we ran out). No veggies. Plain old oatmeal. They love it, though.
The younger two went down for their nap early and I got to cleaning. I promised myself that I would take breaks anytime the kids wanted to do something with me. This mean fast cleaning (if I actually wanted to get anything done) and jumping on the trampoline whilst getting all soaked from the sprinkler and reading books. No.complaints.here.
Less than 2 hours later Zekey and Bex woke up. We continued playing outside and enjoyed our sweet, little (some may beg to differ) family.
Time was flying and I felt so much peace and warmth and there wasn’t an ounce of anxiety. Even when Andy called to say he was working late, I was doing so well (while giving baths, even!) and told him he could totes go out with friends after work!
The kids are tucked in bed and went down amazingly. I told them a story and we all took turns praying for each other. A new thing I want to do more of!
The best part of my day? Zeke’s AMAZING progress in sounds/words. He was blowing my mind today! He was repeating sounds and words like I have NEVER heard! Actually getting the right sound instead of trying and not getting it right. I mean, i could cry, ya’ll!
God always hears our prayers and he always answers them, even if it’s not the answer we want but today! Today I was able to praise Him out loud with all of my kids as we thanked Him for showing signs of healing in Zeke.
To God be the glory for such a blessed day!