I’m a feeler for sure. Actually, I’m a sniffer, too but that’s a whole other post! 😉 I feel a peace when I am seeking God in His will. Even if it’s during a trial. It’s like I hear God saying, “Be still and know that I am God.” I find rest in that.
So, since I feel a peace at times, I also feel a major tension when things are not right. Almost physical, but not. When I feel this way, I picture a war going on with my flesh and The Spirit in me. It’s been like this since I can remember. I’m actually very thankful for it, because I use this a lot in decisions whether they are easy or difficult.
And when I’m not sure, it’s usually because my desires are too strong and I haven’t let them go to allow God’s desire for me to sink in. And that’s a hard place to be because at that point, I will go back and forth with what I think God’s trying to say. It’s like I really do want to follow God’s will for me but I can’t seem to let go of whatever it is I want.
And so, I’m feeling a tension. In a few things, actually. Mostly with things I’ve verbally processed (gosh, I wish I were not a verbal processor but I am!) and now I want to take back my words. I verbally process my exact feelings at that exact time. But this also means I haven’t given it to God yet and I haven’t let Him speak to me.
So, I feel wishy-washy and I feel I do not even know what I want. Clearly, I THINK I know what I want and I let all know it…but then, I get a little “tension” going on in my heart and I know God’s trying to talk to me.
And with my kids being sick for so long, I feel God’s using this time to really speak to me. He’s opening my eyes and molding me to be more of who He wants me to be. Actually, I see my old, untainted desires coming alive again in more ways than I’ve even shared. It’s scary and I’m afraid. I’m afraid to do these things I feel God’s calling me to because it’s not going to be easy. But, as I listen to Him more, he’s changing me and my heart. He’s telling me that when things get difficult, that’s not His way of saying to quit.
Ugh. One day I’ll share…God’s got a lot of work to do in me because my fears are strong and my ways seem right. I know He’s stronger and…um…right-er 😉
My prayer is that God would show me the way, His way and that my fears and desires would dissolve as I lean in close to Him. Amen.